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Band 5

Some people believe that after hundred years life will be easier for most of people, while the others are unsure. What is your opinion?

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Introduction
In
this
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 contemporary era, numerous
authores
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authors
 anticipate that our life will be
siginficantly
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significantly
 easier in the long run.
While
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 many youths are convinced that
this
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 prediction undoubtedly will come true, I firmly believe that the
future
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are going to be certainly
Correct word order
will certainly be
show examples
 more challenging
due to
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 the fact that technological
enhancments
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enhancements
 will negatively affect our social bonds and the rapid achievment in
robots
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, several psychological experts believe that
the
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apply
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meaningful social relationships will tremendously decline among
individulas
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individuals
.
This
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 is because the
improvments
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improvements
 that will be carried out in technology and the
socail
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social
 media platforms, so numerous teenagers are going to spend
exessive
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excessive
 time on these platforms.
For instance
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, even in
this
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 current time, it is
commun
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common
 to see several young people waste their valuable time on platforms
such
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 as
Instegram
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Instagram
 and Facebook
instead
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 of having a real
face to face benefecial
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face-to-face beneficial
 communication with their best friends.
Consequently
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, after
hunderd
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a hundred
 years, most people will suffer from lonely environments
due to
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 the significant
enhacments
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enhancements
 that will occur in the long run.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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, numerous computer scientists are convinced that most individuals will struggle with dealing with
robots
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 that will be integrated into the population. To illustrate, it is obvious that
robots
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 will replace human employees in the
future
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, so dealing with them will be undoubtedly more complicated
due to
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 their lack of ethics and emotions.
For example
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, most experts
such
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 as Elon Musk and Bill Gates say that
robots
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 will
occuby
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occupy
 our planet in the long run, so that could be a nightmare for a large percentage of
the
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apply
show examples
society.
Thus
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, it can be said that most people in the
future
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 will significantly suffer from horrible machines that do not have any feelings inside them.
Conclusion
In conclusion, as mentioned in
this
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 essay,
although
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 numerous youths are looking forward to live in a sophisticated world in the long run, I am strongly convinced that
future
Use synonyms
 is going to be more challenging and more terrible
due to
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 the tremendous achievments that will be carried out in social media and
robots
Use synonyms
, and because of that, our real social communication will certainly decrease, and
robots
Use synonyms
 will replace the human beings.

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task response
State your view in a more direct way. Say clearly that life may be harder for many people, not easier.
task response
Develop the two main ideas more fully. Explain how less face-to-face time can make daily life harder, and how robots may affect jobs and human control.
task response
Use more real and careful examples. The points about Elon Musk, Bill Gates, and robots taking over the planet are too broad and may not be true. Use an everyday example, such as self-service shops or office work done by AI.
task response
Avoid repeating very strong words such as “certainly”, “undoubtedly”, “horrible”, and “nightmare”. A calm and balanced view is more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two body parts, and ending. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas clearer. For example, after saying young people use social media, explain step by step: less real talk, weaker close ties, then more loneliness.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and join ideas in an unclear way. Split them into two short sentences, especially in the first body part.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Do not begin a sentence with “This is because ... so ...”. Choose one clear link, such as “Because ... , ...” or “Therefore, ...”.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph repeats earlier points well, but it is too long. Give your view again in one or two clear sentences.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear view that future life may be more difficult.
task response
You give two main reasons: weaker social ties and the wider use of robots.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main idea, so the reader can follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic links such as “To begin with”, “In addition”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending are both present, and they match your main view.
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