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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

doctors in many countries say that poeple do not do enough physical excercise. What are the causes of this trend. How can this situation be improved?

Physical inactivity is becoming a pandemic problem
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 health physicians in many countries are saying that people do not get adequate
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
.
This
Linking Words
 can be attributed to
nature
Correct article usage
the nature
show examples
 of work,
urbanization
Use the right word
urbanisation
show examples
 and
lack
Use synonyms
 of fitness
centers
Use the right word
centres
show examples
. The situation can be improved in a plethora of ways.
To begin
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 with,
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle can be
due to
Linking Words
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
 environment and the nature of work.
For instance
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, a person working
Correct article usage
an 18-24hours
show examples
18-24hours
Correct your spelling
18-24-hour
 shift
everyday
Use the right word
every day
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 for the whole year seldom
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
out
Change preposition
apply
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time to do aerobics because the job cannot allow it.
Furthermore
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, urbanization can destroy most of the natural arenas or packs that poeple use for jogging, running and
hence
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 retard them from taking part in excercise.
In addition
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,
Use synonyms
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of fitness
centers
Use the right word
centres
show examples
 in many
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 of the world has contributed
in
Change preposition
to
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poeple's
Correct your spelling
people's
non challant
Correct your spelling
nonchalant
 attitudes towards keeping fit.
Linking Words
Hence
Punctuation problem
Hence,
show examples
this
Linking Words
lack
Use synonyms
 of physical activity can lead to fat accumulation
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can
Inturn
Check wording
apply
show examples
trigger obesity with its numerous health and cardiovascular problems. There are many things that can be done to remedy the situation.
Firstly
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, creating awareness programs that educate the public about
consequences
Correct article usage
the consequences
show examples
 of inactivity and ways to improve
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
.
Secondly
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, the individual taking care of his own self by making
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time despite the busy schedule to work out
even
Rephrase
apply
show examples
at least two times
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a week because it will go a long way to improve the body.
Thirdly
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,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should take part in funding and creating fitness
centers
Use the right word
centres
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as stadiums or parks where people can come to jog, run, skate, play football and other activities that can help keep fit.
Lastly
Linking Words
 , the health practitioners should make
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time to educate and advise their patients about the need to exercise
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
.
To conclude
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, the rate of people living a sedentary lifestyle is quite alarming. Both the government and the individual can play a role to ensure a healthy living and avert the detrimental effects that
Use synonyms
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
can cause

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coherence
Make sure each paragraph focuses on one main idea and supports it with examples and details.
cohesion
Use clearer transitions between sentences and paragraphs to help the reader follow your ideas better.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and details to support your points, making your arguments stronger.
positive
You presented clear causes and possible solutions for physical inactivity.
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