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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many cities, young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity, why do you think this happens and is it a positive or negative development?

In the era of
urbanization
Change the spelling
urbanisation
show examples
, shopping complexes can easily be seen
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
everywhere. As the standard of living increases, a majority of adolescents spend more
time
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
there more often, as it is a part of relaxation
moment
Check wording
apply
show examples
for them these days.
However
Linking Words
, in my opinion, I believe that
this
Linking Words
 can
brings
Wrong verb form
bring
show examples
 a negative impact to the young generation. First of all,
shopping
Correct article usage
a shopping
show examples
 complex is where most people go to shop
necessary
Change preposition
for necessary
show examples
item
Fix the agreement mistake
items
show examples
 and goods for
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 necessity needs
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 at the same
time
Use synonyms
, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 some
shop
Fix the agreement mistake
shops
show examples
 where they can enjoy themselves
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
café
Correct article usage
a café
show examples
,
game
Correct article usage
a game
show examples
 arcade and
movie
Correct article usage
a movie
show examples
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, the children tend to enjoy spending their leisure
time
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
there rather than in the outdoors.
Despites
Use the right word
Despite
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that, the teenagers use their
parent’s
Check wording
parents’
show examples
 money to enjoy themselves
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 going to these places requires extra cash to pay for the expenditures.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 leads to overspending their money on things that are unnecessary to them. Eventually, they will be more obsessed
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 spending more money just to have a good
time
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, there are reports
stated
Wrong verb form
stating that
show examples
 teenagers in Malaysia spend about RM 100 per month just by going to the
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
 as they go every
time
Use synonyms
 a new movie is released.
Besides
Linking Words
 that, frequently going to the shopping mall can
jeopardized
Verb problem
jeopardise
show examples
 their academic results as they spend less
time
Use synonyms
 at home doing their revision.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of supervision
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 their parent can lead to bad
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and
began
Wrong verb form
begin
show examples
 to rebel against their parents and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
For instance
Linking Words
, a study showed that students
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
spends
Correct subject-verb agreement
spend
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 in the super mall
tends
Correct subject-verb agreement
tend
show examples
 to skip classes
from
Change preposition
at
show examples
 school more often and
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 lower academic
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in the examination.
Moreover
Linking Words
, students are
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 more
time
Use synonyms
 in shopping complexes are likely to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in crimes
such
Linking Words
 as snatch theft and burglary as they desperately need more cash to waste on
item
Fix the agreement mistake
items
show examples
 and services in the super mall. In conclusion, it is clearly a negative impact towards the development of the future generation to spend their valuable
time
Use synonyms
 on mere shopping.
Therefore
Linking Words
, parents are urged to keep an eye
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their children’s activities and only allow them when they are mature enough to make reasonable
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
.

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structure
Plan your essay. Write a short map of the points you want to say. Put one main idea in each paragraph.
cohesion
Use easy linking words to show the idea is connected. Words like first, also, but, because help a lot.
content
Give ideas with less general talk. Try to put one clear example for each point and explain why it matters.
grammar
Check your grammar. Use short, simple sentences. Stop long, mixed sentences that are hard to read.
idea
You have a clear view that shopping can be bad for teens.
content
You try to give examples to support your point.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • disposable income
  • leisure activity
  • retail therapy
  • local economies
  • fashion trends
  • peer pressure
  • social status
  • environmental impact
  • consumption
  • waste
  • materialistic
  • cultural activities
  • prominent
  • neglect
  • therapeutic
  • social media influence
  • boost
  • desire
What to do next:
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