IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

some people believe that not all criminals should be kept in prison, but some of them should be allowed to unpaid work to help the community

#people #criminals #prison #work #community
Many people feel that not all
criminal
Suggestion
criminals
 should be kept in jail, but they believe that if they worked in jobs
with out
in absence of
without
 salary they could help the society. And I completely disagree with that.
Firstly if
Accept comma addition
Firstly, if
 we let felons
work
 in unpaid jobs they will have nothing to worry about, and as consequence of that they will keep committing crimes and that’s dangerous for the
community
Accept comma addition
community, for
for
example many
Accept comma addition
example, many
 Thieves and malefactors came from a poor environment and as result many of them chose to steal and kill
,
Accept space
,
moreover
 we can’t fix their problem by making them poorer
.
Accept space
.
however
Suggestion
However
 the concept of letting rebellious people out of cells to
work
 will not be a good solution for the long run. Apart from
that another
Accept comma addition
that, another
 we can give the opportunity for jobless people to
work
instead
 of malefactors
,
Accept space
,
 in the era of development many factories and companies replaced the employees with robots which lead to an unemployment community
,
Accept space
,
anyway we can make people
work
 rather than those criminals in
this
 order we can build
better future
Suggestion
a better future
better futures
.
Accept space
.
for
Suggestion
For
example these
Accept comma addition
example, these
 people can
work
 in any job and we can invest their youth in the to make the upcoming situation much
more better
Suggestion
better
.
Accept space
.
 In conclusion
,
Accept space
,
 I believe that if we release the criminals to the,
public the
Accept comma addition
public, the
 community will suffer from them
,
Accept space
,
but alternatively we can use the unemployment people to
work
in contrast
 of the malefactors,
furthermore
 felons
has already lost
Suggestion
have already lost
had already lost
 everything in life so they have nothing to care about and they are ready
to
Suggestion
for
 committing
another
not the same one or ones already mentioned or implied
other
 crimes.
Submitted by haeder932007 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: