IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

TOPIC : Advertising discourages us from being individuals by making us all look the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Our individuality gets lost and we belong to the same platform as judged by the world of adverts. I totally agree
to
Change preposition
with
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this
Linking Words
 viewpoint that advertising fails to encourage us
in
Change preposition
to
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taking
Verb problem
make
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 our own decisions and thereby loses
the
Correct article usage
apply
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originality. The world of adverts is very tempting and
people
Use synonyms
 get attracted towards the new upcoming products launched by
the
Correct article usage
apply
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marketing companies. Any new product in the beginning is sold at a lower price so that
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 can buy it without knowing the product entirely.
Similarly
Linking Words
, any excess products which did not make major profits in the market , always come with mouthwatering discount offers. These are all set to be deceptive to the consumers and all
people
Use synonyms
 look alike with the loss of their individuality and the idea of critical thinking. The advertising media has engulfed the entire population with their marketing strategies spreading at a faster speed than common men are capable of thinking.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the advert videos shown
in
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on
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 television have celebrities like
sportstars
Correct your spelling
sports stars
 or actors
featuring
Wrong verb form
featured
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 in
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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. When superstars can be easily fooled by the allowances given by the companies , there is no doubt that
general
Correct article usage
the general
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 public will follow
their
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in their
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 footsteps as they are thought to be the role models in their lives. We all are
then
Linking Words
 categorized to a common platform and lose our identity in seeking the correct product. The greed for money may be one of the root causes behind
this
Linking Words
 mentality and somehow paralyzes our analytical minds. The advertising media has successfully managed to cripple mankind with their enormous business tactics that undoubtedly,
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 made us lose our identity and genuineness.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the advertising world has not motivated us in any
aspects
Fix the agreement mistake
aspect
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 and
people
Use synonyms
 now lie at the same level. I strongly support
this
Linking Words
 idea, since marketing companies have taken control over the minds of the
people
Use synonyms
 with their business strategic policies which has jeopardized our thinking capability and thereby loss of originality.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion and outlines the main points you will discuss in the body of the essay. This will help readers understand your position better.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more linking words to connect your ideas smoothly. This will improve the flow of your essay and make it easier to follow.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your arguments. This will make your points stronger and more convincing for the reader.
task achievement
You have clearly expressed your opinion, which is essential in opinion essays.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic well, showing that you understand the main idea of how advertising affects individuality.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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