IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#children #countries #effects
The pupil nowadays is so eager towards snacks more than healthy foods. In any nation, lots of young students are being fatty which
impacting
Suggestion
impacts
is impacting
 on rich countries.
this
Suggestion
This
 affects the countries in a lot of ways
.
Accept space
.
this
Suggestion
This
 complete essay will discuss the effects and cause of
this
 problem. One reason behind
there
of them or themselves
their
 children overload is lack of parenting towards food quality. In the present World, people are so busy that they feed
there
of them or themselves
their
 own children fast food which is mainly pizza, a burger,
as a result
, it mainly affects the agriculture part of the nation because of less demand.
For example
 In
USA 80 percent
Suggestion
the USA 80 percent
 of the people work Monday to Friday in that seventy-five percent of people don't make tiffin for
there
of them or themselves
their
 children and allow them to eat outside. If guarding
care
Suggestion
cares
 there children in a proper
way they
Accept comma addition
way, they
 are a caring nation as well.
Furthermore
, due to the heavy body more adolescent is getting sick. The reason behind
there
of them or themselves
their
 sickness is their immunity power degrades when they become
bulkier
Suggestion
bulky
,
as a result
, it
effects
have an effect upon
affects
there
of them or themselves
their
 metabolism and lower their endurance
this
 problem make them tire so easily. India is the
second
 largest populated country. Every year 11000 pupil
die
Suggestion
dies
 due to an increase in fat content which led to a cancer
.
Accept space
.
if
Suggestion
If
overweighted
usually describes a large person who is fat but has a large frame to carry it
overweight
 children get sick like
this
 country might have to build extra hospitals only for fat infants. In conclusion, eating food is allowable, but when it goes uncontrollable it bothers
there
of them or themselves
their
 heath which probably makes them heavier. Mainly it can be controlled through proper guidance. If care is given at an appropriate level they can be saved from unwanted sickness which normally happens to fatigue people
.
Accept space
.
 The pupil nowadays is so eager towards snacks more than healthy foods. In many nations, a lot of young students are being fatty which
impacting
Suggestion
impacts
is impacting
 on rich countries.
this
Suggestion
This
 affects the countries in a lot of ways
.
Accept space
.
this
Suggestion
This
 complete essay will discuss the effects and cause of
this
 problem.
Submitted by jimith on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary
  • caloric intake
  • processed foods
  • fast food culture
  • screen time
  • metabolic disorders
  • healthcare expenditure
  • lifestyle diseases
  • preventative strategies
  • nutritional education
  • public health policy
  • body mass index (BMI)
  • emotional well-being
  • stigmatization
  • exercise regimen
  • eating habits
  • junk food
  • socioeconomic factors
  • health literacy
What to do next:
Look at other essays: