IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

The percentage of overweight children in the western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years.Discuss the causes and effect of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effect #trend
The rate of childhood obesity in the civilized world has been elevated by close to 20% in a decade. To
Start
Fix capitalization
start
show examples
 with, it is a fact that the human body requires a balanced diet: which is the most important aspect of building up the needed
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 activities of the systemic growth of each individual.
However
, consuming
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
unhealthy substances which are common among youth can cause various health problems like
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
, which is one of the leading
inclination
Change to a plural noun
inclinations
show examples
amongst
Change preposition
among
show examples
 others.
For example
, many children nowadays rely on fast food or pre-prepared meals.These foods often contain too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 fat products, salt and sugar;
this
 is because they are cheap to buy, easy to prepare and above, all readily available for consumption.
In addition
, many young people have grown up on
this
 convenience and equally enjoy the constant availability of these foods. The mentioned causes have impacts on the
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
 of individuals.The foremost effect seen is on the cardiovascular system (the heart), giving rise to
ailment
Fix the agreement mistake
ailments
show examples
 like increasing and uncontrolled blood pressure, aneurysm and other related conditions, which in turn causes
life threatening
Add a hyphen
life-threatening
show examples
 situations like cardiac arrest.The other repercussion is diabetes, which is managed throughout the person's existence and can lead to organ failure if there is no drug compliance as there must be
need
Add an article
a need
the need
show examples
 for everyday usage of medications.
Thus
,
to conclude
 the topic, it can be
finally
 commented that consuming unhealthy diets like fast food and pre-prepared meals has a bad effect on the body system.So, we should make it a duty to be conscious
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 what the growing child eats and
home made
Correct your spelling
homemade
show examples
 food from natural resources will be of great help.
Submitted by P on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Provide a clearer and more in-depth analysis of the causes and effects of childhood obesity, using specific examples and evidence to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas in a more coherent manner, using clear topic sentences and transitions to link your paragraphs together.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: