Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic?

In todays generation, with the advancement in technology, people

are completely depended

Suggestion

completely depend

on machines as

this

will reduce their effort, but in reality it will make them obese and making them overweight.In my view, the main reason behind

this

are the new innovations and the consequences will be discussed

further

. During the earlier times, there were no vehicles and without any difficulty people used to walk for miles.

In other words

refers to the speaker or writer

think that the major causes of

this

due to the new inventions in technology

this

can be

overcomed

win a victory over

overcome

with a motor vehicle, which uses fuel as

resource

Suggestion

a resource

for covering the distance and

thus

reducing the human effort leading to become them overweight.

On the other hand

, many young children are addicted

to play

Suggestion

to playing

computer games for hours increases weight by making them flabby and even poor grades in academics.

Hence

, these are the primary reasons behind overweight people.

On the other hand

, the consequences of

this

widespread

occurence

an event that happens

occurrence

Suggestion

are

over

dependancy

the state of relying on or being controlled by someone or something else

dependency

dependence

dependance

on machines and new inventions, which is making the people to stay in

comfort zone

Suggestion

a comfort zone

the comfort zone

and perform the work in less amount of time. Nowadays, working professionals do not get enough time to perform

chore

a small group of indispensable persons or things

core

activities like sweeping, they use here

vaccum

the absence of matter

vacuum

cleaner to clean the area.

Eventhough

Suggestion

Even though

this

activity reduces time by minimizing the human effort, but leads to weight gain as less

physcial

involving the body as distinguished from the mind or spirit

physical

movement is involved

this

can

also

lead to diseases like obesity.

Finally

refers to the speaker or writer

think depending on technology has made the people to overweight. In conclusion, I think depending on machinery and new inventions

has lead

Suggestion

have led

this

epidemic. Being completely dependent on machines will increase weight and makes them obese.

Submitted by zbrlord35 on Fri Sep 20 2019

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

275 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

7.5

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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