IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?

#parents #children
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It is argued that parents are the main culprit
for
Suggestion
in
 the obesity of their children and should be held accountable.
This
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 essay disagrees with the given statement because parents are not around their children all the time and the sedentary lifestyle of the children is a personal choice. Parents cannot be around their children during
school
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 to prevent them from eating unhealthy
food
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. It is very common for children to bring
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food money
Accept comma addition
food, money
instead
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 of bringing lunch from home. In
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school children
Accept comma addition
school, children
 prefer snacks and junk
food
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instead
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 of homemade lunch because junk
food
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 is more palatable. A study conducted in 2017 in
UK
Suggestion
the UK
 showed that 65% of
food
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 intake of
school
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 going children mainly contained snacks and instant
food
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, with the introduction of digital games children prefer to stay
indoor
within a building
indoors
 and play video-games rather than going outside to participate in activities that require physical effort making the children lazier and more inactive. The reduced amount of exercise decreases their stamina and overall health condition making them FAT. Children do not have any energy they are lethargic and prefer to lay in bed most of the time.
For example
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 a recent study showed that the rates of students actively taking part in extracurricular activities have dropped significantly. In conclusion, the
school
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 plays a greater role in
prevention
Suggestion
the prevention
 of child obesity than parents because children spend more time at
school
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 than their parents and schools can implement certain laws that allow only healthy
food
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 to be served at
cafeteria
Suggestion
the cafeteria
 and give incentives to students so that they participate more in physical activities.

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
What to do next:
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