IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#parents #children #phones
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On the one hand, many parents think that giving mobile phones for their kids is essential for emergency cases.
In other words
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, having a cellular telephone is not only helpful for parents to check up on their children constantly, but
also
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 for a kid to call an adult in case of an accident.
For instance
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, young individuals are required to call their parents once they arrive their destination for safety purposes.
On the other hand
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, parents letting their boy or girl owning a cell phone are encouraging their kids in an indirect way to live a sedentary lifestyle. To put it differently, cells are considered as distracting devices, where a person can sit for hours chatting, playing games or surfing the web.
As a result
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, they do not take part in neither physical activities or building interpersonal characteristics.
For example
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, a home staying child playing on his phone regularly, will have more difficulty in participating and communicating with the society in the long run.
Finally
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, I personally believe that kids should have a limited and an observed amount of time while using the mobile. It is undeniable, that cellular devices are vital for an individual life,
however
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, parents should control the time spent on these devices and persuade their kids to engage in activities that are healthier for their physical and mental health. In conclusion, kids who possess mobile phones should be watched and taught how to use these devices in the righteous way, to prevent the negative impact of using the cell phone in an inappropriate way.
Submitted by jys3ielts on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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