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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graph below shows information on employment rates across 6 countries in 1995 and 2005. Summarise the information by choosing and describe the main idea, and make comparisons where appropriate. You should write at least 150 words. Writing task 1

The graph below shows information on employment rates across 6 countries in 1995 and 2005. Summarise the information by choosing and describe the main idea, and make comparisons where appropriate. You should write at least 150 words. Writing task 1
#information #employment #rates #countries #summarise #idea #comparisons
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The bar chart illustrates the percentages of men and women employees in
Australia
Use synonyms
,
Switzerland
Use synonyms
,
Iceland
Use synonyms
,
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
, New
Zealand
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 over a 10-year period from 1995 to 2005.
Overall
Linking Words
, the male and female workers experienced upward trends throughout the period. In all the
countries
Use synonyms
 the employment rates had
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rise
Wrong verb form
risen
show examples
 and
fall
Wrong verb form
fallen
show examples
. In 1995, there were about 55% and 65% of masculine employees in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and
Switzerland
Use synonyms
 respectively.
However
Linking Words
, in
Use synonyms
Iceland
Add a comma
,Iceland
show examples
 the adult male workers were the highest when compared to other given
countries
Use synonyms
 with 70%, but
this
Linking Words
 percentage in New
Zealand
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 was almost the same.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in 2005 the masculine wage-earners had crossed three-fifths of the total employment in all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
six
countries
Use synonyms
 with approximately 69% and 79% in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and
Switzerland
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 in
Iceland
Use synonyms
 it is almost 82%.
Finally
Linking Words
, in New
Zealand
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
USA
Add a comma
,USA
show examples
 the men workers are recorded
70
Change preposition
at 70
show examples
% each.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the female
employee
Replace the word
employment
show examples
 rates in 1995 were about 27% in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and almost 56% in
Switzerland
Use synonyms
.
Whereas
Linking Words
 in
Iceland
Use synonyms
 and
UK
Add a comma
,UK
show examples
 it was noted as 40% and 50% respectively. In New
Use synonyms
Zealand
Add a comma
,Zealand
show examples
 just 23% of women are employed,
while
Linking Words
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
USA
Use synonyms
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
roughly 45% of them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in 2005
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
feminine labour participation
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
sharply increased in all the
countries
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by srikamakshidam09 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover, while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words australia, switzerland, iceland, zealand, usa, countries with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • employment rates
  • economic indicators
  • comparative analysis
  • trends and patterns
  • economic factors
  • stability and change
  • sector-specific
  • job market
  • workforce participation
  • fluctuations
  • economic growth
  • unemployment
  • recession
  • boom
  • labor market dynamics
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