IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

These days many children spend a lot of their time playing computer games but little time doing sports. Why is this? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Most
children
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 are glued to their computer or cell phone these days.
This
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 is not a positive development because when
children
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 spend the whole day playing
games
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 on their adding machine or gaming console, they will develop many health problems. They may even develop behavioural problems. In my opinion, it is more beneficial for
children
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 to spend time outdoors, playing sports or engaging in other activities. Outdoor
games
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 are good for
children
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. They make them fitter and stronger as individuals.
Children
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 who play
games
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 are healthier. They are
also
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 less likely to engage in antisocial activities. Better still, outdoor
games
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 require the participation of more than one individual. When
children
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 play
games
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 like football or cricket, they are
also
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 learning several social and management skills. They learn to share and work as part of a team.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 who spend the whole day indoors will most probably spend several hours in front of the TV or PC.
This
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 may lead to several health problems like obesity and diabetes. These
children
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 may
also
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 find it difficult to interact with others.
Also
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, when they spend a lot of moments on their computer, they are more likely to be exposed to inappropriate materials on the internet. All of these factors can have an adverse impact on their physical and psychological well-being.
To conclude
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, it is not hard to see that there are several benefits of engaging in outdoor activities. Parents should not allow
children
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 to waste their whole stage in front of the TV or computer. Even in those families where both parents are away at work, parents can use software programs to limit their
children
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’s exposure to television and the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structure to enhance readability and interest. Instead of starting multiple sentences with the same structure, try to mix it up for better flow.
task achievement
While you presented clear ideas, incorporating a few more specific examples or statistics could strengthen your arguments and provide clearer support for your points.
task achievement
Ensure you fully explain your points; some ideas can be expanded to provide more depth and understanding, enhancing the overall quality of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear viewpoint and addresses the topic well, which satisfies the task requirement.
coherence and cohesion
The organization of paragraphs is logical, making it easy for the reader to follow your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
What to do next:
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