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Band 4

Studies suggest that children spend more time watching TV than they did in the past and spend less on doing active or creative things. Why do you think it is the case? What measures and methods can be used to tackle with it?

#studies #children #time #tv #case #measures #methods
Children
 spend most of their
time
 in their regular academic
activities
 and with the remaining
time
 they like to spend in front of the screen, which is forcing physical
activities
 to be rare. The causes of
this
 factor can be resolved by minor changes in everyone's life, which are going to be elaborated in
further
 description. Nowadays, urban
cities
 are growing with horse speed, which makes
cities
 more populated.
This
 is the main factor, which makes
cities
running
Wrong verb form
run
show examples
 out of open grounds and gathering spaces, which
forced
Wrong verb form
forces
show examples
children
 to think of not
to go
Change the verb form
going
show examples
 to play outside. To resolve
this
, planners should be forced to build more gardens and
children
's play areas
while
 building residencies or reconstructing and enhancing the
cities
.
As well as
parents
 should spare
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some
time
 for
children
 and drive them to spaces where they can play.
However
, the school
also
 plays a crucial part in
this
. Teachers should arrange daily
activities
, which
includes
Correct subject-verb agreement
include
show examples
 physical activity and creative subjects.
On the other hand
,
children
 are too busy to create something during the day, which makes them mentally tired.
After
this
 busy schedule, they do not want to make their body to be tired too, which makes
children
 entertain themselves by watching TV. I believe schools and coaching are most responsible for
this
. As the solution rather than put so much burden on students, teachers should find another way of teaching.
As well as
 they can
short
Replace the word
shorten
show examples
down
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the syllabus of the semester. At the same
time
, in
this
 global tech world TV programmes have been more entertaining and knowledgeful, which makes
parents
 let
children
 watch
such
 programmes.
To sum up
,
for reducing
Change preposition
to reduce
show examples
 watching TV, teachers and
parents
 should contribute their selves
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
such
activities
.
Parents
 should set vivid limits.
Submitted by architakamjps on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement and overview of the main points. The conclusion is abrupt and does not summarize the essay effectively. Try to structure your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion to improve coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay fails to fully address the prompt and the arguments lack depth and specificity. Provide specific examples and develop your ideas further to improve task achievement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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