IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extend do you agree or disagree.

#people #men #women
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It has been obvious that there is a wide variety of natural qualities between males and females.
Therefore
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, there is a common belief that
men
Use synonyms
 are more competitive than women because of their nature. I partially concur with
this
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 sentiment because there are natural and external influences on them.
This
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 will be
further
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 shown by analyzing
men
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’s commitments as an external influential factor in their mindset and their natural physical skills influence.
To begin
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 with,
men
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 think competitively
as a result
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 of their commitments. They are involved in many business and family obligations which motivate them to achieve their targets.
For example
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, many high-qualified middle-aged
men
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, in Egypt, compete to get
Correct article usage
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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leadership positions in their corporations
due to
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Fix the agreement mistake
their
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its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 benefits. These benefits ensure a career with prospects
to
Change preposition
for
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 them
as well as
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 meet their families’ needs.
Hence
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, responsibilities play an incentive factor
on
Change preposition
in
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 their way of thinking.
On the other hand
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, natural physical differences between males and females encourage them to be quite competitive than women. To clarify, a myriad of
men
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 are well-built naturally and
this
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encourage
Change the verb form
encourages
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 them to show off their physical skills and enjoy
the
Correct article usage
a
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 sense of personal success. To illustrate, a recent study by the Gulf Cooperation Council (GCC)
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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founds
Correct your spelling
found
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 that about 80% of Arabian athletic
men
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 participate in one-on-one
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 competitions,
whereas
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 the same percentage of Arabian sportswomen compete in team sports. As
this
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 example
shown
Wrong verb form
shows
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, unless they have
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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well-built qualities, they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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 compete individually.
Hence
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,
men
Use synonyms
’s physical skills motivate them to be naturally
competitive
Correct quantifier usage
more competitive
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 than women. In conclusion, having demonstrated the above-mentioned explanations of
men
Use synonyms
’s competitive character, it seems to me that
men
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 think and behave competitively
due to
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 external
influence
Fix the agreement mistake
influences
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 namely their responsibilities.
However
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, their nature as a well-built creature makes them naturally
incline
Change the form of the verb
inclined
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 to be competitive.
Submitted by g.fattah on

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Task Response
Develop your introduction and conclusion to provide a clearer roadmap and reinforce your main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your ideas are presented in a logical and organized manner. Use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more effectively.
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