IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

#countries #people #children
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Gaining
weight especially
Accept comma addition
weight, especially
 in young teenagers is a major anxious matter amongst many countries. Children became fat because of the modernization and technology advancement.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss for the problems of obesity in young people and the responsibilities
for
Suggestion
of
 the government, the society and the parents. It is likely that one of the prominent causes giving rises to
this
Linking Words
 problem is the major change in our lifestyle due to remarkable advancement in technology, which has considerable impact on our daily life and health. Children could consume many
junk
Use synonyms
 foods at any time, which we consume every day made the matters worse. These foods, which are easily available, often contain ingredients that are highly in calorie, cholesterol and fat, while lack necessary vitamin, mineral and protein and these factors are taking a toll on our health.
In addition
Linking Words
, teenagers are playing with their computers rather than playing outside.
As a result
Linking Words
, teenagers are lacking in exercises and becoming overweight. In my opinion, teachers, parents and government as a whole should take
this
Linking Words
 issue as an emergency and take a necessary step.
For instance
Linking Words
, parents
are keep
Suggestion
are keeping
keep
 an eye on their children’s eating
habit
Suggestion
habits
 and make sure to take healthy
food
Use synonyms
 while reducing the quality of
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
. The government could limit
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 advertising to discourage children to fail for the bad eating habits. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 many countries are now falling in the similar issues of unhealthy
diet but
Accept comma addition
diet, but
 we can defeat
this
Linking Words
 issue by following the steps
such
Linking Words
 as the limit of the
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 consumed by children.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: