IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Television Sporting shows such as the Olympics motivatethe youth who do not like to exercise much. Do you agree or disagree? Include relevant examples in your answer and provide your own opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is true that sport has become
one
Use synonyms
 of the most entertaining
television
Use synonyms
 shows these days. A group of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that these
sports
Use synonyms
 shows have negative effects on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
Use synonyms
, as they prefer to watch those
games
Use synonyms
 on
television
Use synonyms
 rather than
exercising
Wrong verb form
exercise
show examples
. To a certain point, I would agree with the statement, but I
also
Linking Words
 believe that it depends on the personality of each individual. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, it is a fact that the number of
sports
Use synonyms
channels
Use synonyms
 has increased rapidly in the past recent years. Cable
channels
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as ESPN, Ten
Sports
Use synonyms
, Star
Sports
Use synonyms
, Fox
Sports
Use synonyms
 and ASN are showing 24
hours
Use synonyms
 of attractive
sports
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 all around the world.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, many young
people
Use synonyms
 are staying in front of the
television
Use synonyms
 for a number of
hours
Use synonyms
 just to watch these
games
Use synonyms
. The
condition
Use synonyms
 gets
worst
Correct word choice
worse
show examples
 as they are
also
Linking Words
 consuming unhealthy food
such
Linking Words
 as popcorn, candies and soda when they watch the shows.
Therefore
Linking Words
, a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that these
channels
Use synonyms
 have been the main cause of bad
health
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation nowadays.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, these
sports
Use synonyms
 programs should not be blamed as the only reason for the bad
health
Use synonyms
 conditions among the youngsters, as there are other factors which affect the
health
Use synonyms
 of the young
people
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, many parents do not teach their
children
Use synonyms
 about
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 healthy lifestyle. They are letting their
children
Use synonyms
 watch
television
Use synonyms
 for a number of
hours
Use synonyms
 and eating junk foods which would have a negative effect on the
children
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it really depends on the personality of each individual. Some young
people
Use synonyms
 understand
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the bad
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of watching
television
Use synonyms
 for
such
Linking Words
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
long
hours
Use synonyms
, but others just do not care about it.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
sports
Use synonyms
channels
Use synonyms
 would only be
one
Use synonyms
 of the factors that affect the
health
Use synonyms
condition
Use synonyms
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, to a certain extent, I would agree that
sports
Use synonyms
 programs might have some negative effects on the
health
Use synonyms
condition
Use synonyms
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
Use synonyms
. As these
channels
Use synonyms
 show entertaining
games
Use synonyms
 continuously, many teenagers spend more time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching the shows rather than exercising.
However
Linking Words
, I
also
Linking Words
 believe that
sports
Use synonyms
 shows would only be
one
Use synonyms
 of the factors because the disciplinary attitude of the individual and the way parents educate their
children
Use synonyms
 would
also
Linking Words
 affect the
health
Use synonyms
condition
Use synonyms
 of the youth.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly states your position and provides an overview of the essay content. The conclusion should summarize the main points and restate your opinion.
task response
Include more specific examples and evidence to support your points. Make sure to address all parts of the essay prompt and stay focused on the topic throughout the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Motivate
  • Elite athletes
  • Physical activity
  • Variety of sports
  • Patriotism
  • Participate
  • Commentary
  • Health and fitness
  • Accessibility
  • Communal viewing
  • Peer influence
  • Human capability
  • Perseverance
  • Dedication
  • Passive viewers
What to do next:
Look at other essays: