IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Television Sporting shows such as the Olympics motivatethe youth who do not like to exercise much. Do you agree or disagree? Include relevant examples in your answer and provide your own opinion.

#television #olympics #motivatethe #youth #exercise
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It is true that sport has become
one
 of the most entertaining
television
 shows these days. A group of
people
 believe that these
sports
 shows have negative effects on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
, as they prefer to watch those
games
 on
television
 rather than
exercising
Wrong verb form
exercise
show examples
. To a certain point, I would agree with the statement, but I
also
 believe that it depends on the personality of each individual. On the
one
 hand, it is a fact that the number of
sports
channels
 has increased rapidly in the past recent years. Cable
channels
such
 as ESPN, Ten
Sports
, Star
Sports
, Fox
Sports
 and ASN are showing 24
hours
 of attractive
sports
games
 all around the world.
As a consequence
, many young
people
 are staying in front of the
television
 for a number of
hours
 just to watch these
games
. The
condition
 gets
worst
Correct word choice
worse
show examples
 as they are
also
 consuming unhealthy food
such
 as popcorn, candies and soda when they watch the shows.
Therefore
, a lot of
people
 believe that these
channels
 have been the main cause of bad
health
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation nowadays.
On the other hand
, these
sports
 programs should not be blamed as the only reason for the bad
health
 conditions among the youngsters, as there are other factors which affect the
health
 of the young
people
.
Firstly
, many parents do not teach their
children
 about
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 healthy lifestyle. They are letting their
children
 watch
television
 for a number of
hours
 and eating junk foods which would have a negative effect on the
children
.
Secondly
, it really depends on the personality of each individual. Some young
people
 understand
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the bad
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of watching
television
 for
such
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
long
hours
, but others just do not care about it.
Therefore
,
sports
channels
 would only be
one
 of the factors that affect the
health
condition
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
. In conclusion, to a certain extent, I would agree that
sports
 programs might have some negative effects on the
health
condition
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
. As these
channels
 show entertaining
games
 continuously, many teenagers spend more time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching the shows rather than exercising.
However
, I
also
 believe that
sports
 shows would only be
one
 of the factors because the disciplinary attitude of the individual and the way parents educate their
children
 would
also
 affect the
health
condition
 of the youth.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly states your position and provides an overview of the essay content. The conclusion should summarize the main points and restate your opinion.
task response
Include more specific examples and evidence to support your points. Make sure to address all parts of the essay prompt and stay focused on the topic throughout the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Motivate
  • Elite athletes
  • Physical activity
  • Variety of sports
  • Patriotism
  • Participate
  • Commentary
  • Health and fitness
  • Accessibility
  • Communal viewing
  • Peer influence
  • Human capability
  • Perseverance
  • Dedication
  • Passive viewers
What to do next:
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