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Writing Samples
Band 5

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
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The line graph illustrates how many
enquiries
Use synonyms
 were made to a Tourist Information office in one city by phone, letter and in
person
Use synonyms
 from January to June
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2011. In January 2011, more than 800
enquiries
Use synonyms
 were received by letters or emails
while
Linking Words
enquiries
Use synonyms
 by telephone were less than 800.
In contrast
Linking Words
, in January, the least amount of
enquiries
Use synonyms
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 received in
person
Use synonyms
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
enquiries
Use synonyms
 in
person
Use synonyms
 soared significantly over the
next
Linking Words
 six
months
Use synonyms
 and in June, the highest
number
Use synonyms
 of
enquiries
Use synonyms
 was in
person
Use synonyms
 accounting for more than 1800. Surprisingly, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
enquiries
Use synonyms
 by letter and email dropped gradually over the
next
Linking Words
 two
months
Use synonyms
 which was followed by a sharp decrease in
Linking Words
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 three
months
Use synonyms
 becoming the lowest in June, reducing to less than 400. The
number
Use synonyms
 of
enquiries
Use synonyms
 by telephone slightly slipped in February which was followed by a marginal rise in the
next
Linking Words
 couple of
months
Use synonyms
. Over the
next
Linking Words
 three
months
Use synonyms
, there was a significant increase in telephone
enquiries
Use synonyms
 which rose to 1600. (157 words)

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "next".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words enquiries, person, number, months with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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