IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people believe that the increase presence of violence in films and television these days is responsible for rising incident of violent crimes among youth society. They argue that government have a duty to control the media so as to reduce this phenomenon. Do you agree with this arguments

Films
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 and television series play a major role in affecting people's
perspectives
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perspectives,
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 irrespective of their age group.
Hence
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, I completely agree that the government has to put some restrictions on the
films
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 made, in order to control
this
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 phenomenon.
In addition
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, the
actors
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 and actresses working in the film and television industries
also
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 have a major role to play in reducing the presence of violence in
films
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.
Firstly
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, we are living in an era where heroes and heroines are
idolized
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idolised
show examples
 by many people.
Due to
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 the rise in competition, the filmmakers are even willing to show rape and other violent
crimes
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 in the motion pictures to attract the audience.
For instance
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, the movie "Perfume" depicts a story of a man who kills virgins to make unique perfumes.
This
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 movie was greatly praised by many all over the world for the uniqueness of the story.
Although
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 it is just a film, when the audience repeatedly sees
Fix the agreement mistake
this
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these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
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 of cinema, they would have a tendency to feel the act which was once considered sinful to be normal, especially if
this
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 is acted out by one of their favourite
actors
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.
Hence
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, the
actors
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 have to avoid acting in
films
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 that promote rampage and other heinous
crimes
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. Another important point
as
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, as
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 mentioned
before
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before,
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 is that the government has to impose some restrictions on the
films
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 that contain violence
and
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, and
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fine
Correct article usage
a fine
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 has to be imposed on
film makers
Use the right word
film-makers
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 promote
such
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 activities through their
films
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. Unnecessary scenes in the celluloid
,
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apply
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 that show these heinous
crimes
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 should be removed from the movie
and
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, and
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 the authorities should promote awareness regarding the ill effects that follow on committing
such
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crimes
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. In conclusion, the government and
actors
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 have a major role to play in order to reduce the promotion of violence in
films
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, which would indirectly change the view of the people.

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task achievement
Make sure all your points are clearly explained and develop each one a bit more.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use linking words to make your ideas flow better between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, consider adding a few more details to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Good introduction that clearly states your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear conclusion that summarizes your main points well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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