Some people think that poverty is the reason for most crimes. Do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, the criminal ratio is increasing rapidly in every country. Some
people
think that poverty is the reason behind criminal activities. I strongly agree with this
statement and my justification will be discussed in the ensuing paragraphs.
Crimes like robbery, murder, rape, child labour are the major crimes occurred due to
poverty. As poor people
are less educated and
they think that producing more Correct word choice
apply
of-springs
will help them to fill their pockets, which leads to child labour. These children are sent to beg for money rather than occupying formal education. And Correct your spelling
offspring
hence
are accounted as illiterate ones.
The other reason why poverty is responsible for crime,
is Remove the comma
apply
people
who don’t have money can’t fulfill their physical as well as
social needs. For
example
if a person Add a comma
example,
don’t
get food at Change the verb form
doesn’t
time
they will do whatever they feel goodCorrect article usage
a time
,
Change preposition
for, they
they
can Correct word choice
and they
also
theft money to feed themselves. Secondly
to overcome their physical needs some pervert minds can perform illegal activities like rape or acid attack to meet their sexual needs.
In conclusion, responsible ones have to aware
poor Add a missing verb
be aware
people
who are performing
Verb problem
committing
such
crimes,
and have to help them to complete their needs, so that Remove the comma
apply
criminal
ratio can decrease whole over the world.sCorrect article usage
the criminal
Submitted by imishadave712 on
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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is partially clear. However, you should make sure that each paragraph discusses one particular point and clearly links back to the thesis statement in the introduction. In the second body paragraph, you introduced two major examples without clear transition or linkage, which may cause confusion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion were indeed present, clear, and well-framed, although the conclusion could have better summarised your points. Always remember your conclusion should restate your overall viewpoint or arguments.
coherence cohesion
You need to ensure that your main points are fully elaborated and supported with solid evidence or examples. The examples you've provided need more context and development. They are quite harsh and might not be suitable for an IELTS essay. Remember to use more appropriate, common examples that can easily be understood and accepted by anyone.
task achievement
In terms of responding to the task, you did show a complete response, taking a clear position on the issue. However, you could improve this by developing the analysis of your ideas further, to gain a higher score. Instead of just outlining your ideas, dive deeper into each point you're making.
task achievement
Some of your ideas are clear and straightforward. However, there are instances where your arguments could use a little more detail. For example, when mentioning illiteracy leading to crime, you could delve into how limited access to quality education amongst the impoverished perpetuates a cycle of crime.
task achievement
While giving examples is good, it's important to ensure they’re relevant, specific and coherent. For instance, your example about desperation leading to robbery for physical needs made sense, but the direct link to sexual crimes was a bit rushed. This could be improved with more clarity on the relationship between these crimes and poverty.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.
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