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Writing Samples
Band 4

In some parts of the world it is becoming popular to research the history of one’s own family. Why might people want to do this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#parts #world #research #history #one’s #people #development
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With the curiosity factor running high through the nerves of humans in the 21st century, Some
people
Use synonyms
 around the globe are keen on revising their family history.
While
Linking Words
 there is a plethora of reasons for mining the ancient times, I stand with a neutral opinion in my mind, considering the pros of ethical learning and
cons
Correct article usage
the cons
show examples
 of misusing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
pride. The colossal
positives
Fix the agreement mistake
positive
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 that
emerge
Correct subject-verb agreement
emerges
show examples
 out of
this
Linking Words
 notion is
people
Use synonyms
's intention to learn
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ethical values through their ancestral past. To explicate
this
Linking Words
further
Linking Words
, Individuals try to distil certain values from their family history, which guides them to the righteous path.
For example
Linking Words
, speaking of
Indian
Use synonyms
 politics, an emerging pattern of numerous young leaders who are stepping into
the
Correct article usage
apply
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politics is observed recently,
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that these leaders realized their ancestor's efforts in helping
people
Use synonyms
 during India's struggle for Independence.
However
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, there is a significant downside which cannot be ignored, as some tend to misuse
the
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apply
show examples
pride for their own selfish needs.
Moreover
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, it is undeniable
to say
Verb problem
apply
show examples
that the historical data gives
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sheer pride, but a minuscule section of
people
Use synonyms
opts
Correct subject-verb agreement
opt
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 to take advantage of
this
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 with a motive to enjoy
luxurious
Correct article usage
a luxurious
show examples
 life.
For instance
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, taking
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
Indian
Use synonyms
 celebrities into consideration, family members of
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 ancient film stars approached the
Indian
Use synonyms
 government to attain the highest civilian jobs, with
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 hope
to enjoy
Change preposition
of enjoying
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 the government's offerings, considering their
ancestors
Change to a genitive case
ancestor's
ancestors'
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 contribution to the
Indian
Use synonyms
 film industry. In conclusion, having considered the aforementioned factors highlighted above,
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
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 of extracting historical information of a family help in en-routing an individual to a righteous path,
whereas
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, the flip side would end up taking advantage of the omnipotent history to enjoy certain uninvited life comforts.
Submitted by kumaradithya16 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and provides some relevant points, but the development of ideas could be more balanced and thorough.
coherence and cohesion
There is a logical structure in your essay, but the introduction and conclusion could be more prominent and the main points need stronger support and development.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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