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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why Is it a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, the majority of
children
Use synonyms
 spend
much
Fix the agreement mistake
a lot of
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time
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on
Change preposition
apply
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playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 and ignore physical activities.
While
Linking Words
 some argue that it can benefit
children
Use synonyms
 in some ways, from my perspective, I consider it a negative development There are manifold reasons why numerous
children
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 spend more
time
Use synonyms
 on
computer
Use synonyms
games
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 rather than
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 activities.
Firstly
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, the main reason is the unprecedented affordability and ubiquity of
computer
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 devices
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 that they can easily access. As designers create
games
Use synonyms
 to be highly engaging,
children
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 cannot resist the temptation to stop
these
Verb problem
playing these
show examples
games
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. For kids,
for example
Linking Words
, they are likely to
immerse
Wrong verb form
be immersed
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 in the friendly
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
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such
Linking Words
 as animated cartoon characters, which can encourage them to spend the whole day playing;
hence
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, there is no
time
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 left for other activities.
Besides
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, there is a lack of playgrounds and parks,
while
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 the growing number of constructions,
such
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 as shopping malls and
skyscrapers
Punctuation problem
skyscrapers,
show examples
 has proliferated all
the
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over the
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 rage in many metropolises.
Therefore
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, they tend to stay at home and stick with the
games
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 to escape from the daily grind. As regards the cons, video
games
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 may have
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 detrimental effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
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.
Firstly
Linking Words
, if adolescents spend too much
time
Use synonyms
 on
computer
Use synonyms
games
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 without doing any physical
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
, they may be prone to well-being problems
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and poor eyesight in the long run.
Whereas
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 sports play a critical role in developing their strength and agility.
Secondly
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, it can cause
children
Use synonyms
 to lose their communication skills and affect cognitive development. As
games
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 which
includes
Correct subject-verb agreement
include
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 violent content might make them more aggressive and become isolated.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, it is likely that they will always find it hard to make friends, which can limit their
prospect
Fix the agreement mistake
prospects
show examples
 of success later on because success often
build
Correct subject-verb agreement
builds
show examples
 on a support network of contacts. In conclusion, it is true that
children
Use synonyms
 nowadays spend much
time
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 on
computer
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games
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instead
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 of sports.
Nonetheless
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, from all the reasons mentioned above, I believe that
this
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 trend does more harm than good.

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task response
State a clear view in the first sentence and keep to it. Add 2 or 3 strong reasons with simple, real examples.
coherence
Make one main idea in each paragraph. Start with a short topic sentence and end with a link to the next idea.
language
Use short, plain sentences. Check grammar and choose simple words. Avoid long, hard phrases.
organization
Put four parts: intro, body, body, conclusion. Each paragraph has one idea.
content
The essay shows a clear view that the change is bad.
structure
There is some link words and body parts with a plan.
structure
The write has an intro and a conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
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