IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that elderly parents ought to live at senior homes. Other believe that they should live with family members. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #parents #homes #members
Many individuals assert that seniors should reside in old age homes,
while
 others believe that living with the family members of
this
 tenure is more apt for them. I believe
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 that love and affection are
most
Rephrase
more
show examples
 vital for senior citizens than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
professional care. In
this
 essay, I would argue
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct determiner usage
that
show examples
 seniors should spend
this
 crucial period at home only. On the one hand, challenging physical circumstances require them the
dedicated
Replace the word
dedicate
show examples
 24/7 professional support. As with growing old,
physical
Add an article
the physical
show examples
 condition of the body
gets
Verb problem
apply
show examples
deteriorating
Wrong verb form
deteriorates
show examples
,
where
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 it needs someone urgently in many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
circumstances with professional
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 to cater
these
Change preposition
for these
show examples
 emergencies.
For instance
, a report published by the NHS, states that, if on time first aid treatment
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 Oxygen
Nebultization
Correct your spelling
nebutization
would have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 been provided in those serious conditions, 30% of the lives might
be
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 saved in
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 5 years. On the flip side, to overcome
such
 challenging physical circumstances, sometimes psychological support plays a vital role too or even more effective than professional care.
At
Change preposition
In
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 homely environment, where they can spend their pleasure time with kids and
adults
Fix the agreement mistake
adult
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
family members, they sometimes forget their misery too, in their company. They cherish those moments, which eventually
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 a bigger role in their health improvement, which sometimes could not be cured with medicines or professional care at old age homes.
To sum up
, I conclude that professional help is of great importance for elderly people, but it is the psychological support of family members
Change preposition
in at
show examples
at
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
 caring environment, which is very helpful for the betterment of senior citizens who might already have gone through the long medication process, but which could not achieve the best of results for them.
Submitted by rk00604469 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion clearly address the prompt and provide a cohesive overview of the essay.
task achievement
Support your ideas with relevant and specific examples to strengthen your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: