IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
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It appears that, in
modern
Suggestion
the modern age people
age
Use synonyms
 people are living longer
Linking Words
then
conjunction used in comparatives
than
 before; because of, improving medical science that’s why people went that
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 should be risen.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss about how old people
are inspire
Suggestion
are inspired
are inspiring
 the young people and value of
old
Suggestion
older
 people.
Firstly
Linking Words
, when people are retired from
work
Use synonyms
 they feel that they are useless and
burden
Suggestion
a burden
 for the
society
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 they
can not
can not
cannot
 contribute anything for the country. Suppose they get
retirement
Use synonyms
 after
age
Use synonyms
 of 65 but people alive approximately 90
years so
Accept comma addition
years, so
,
rest
Suggestion
the rest
 of the their life they have nothing to do that’s why they want their
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 should be rise so that, they can contribute more for the
society
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 and set
example
Suggestion
an example
 for the young generation, that at the old-
age
Use synonyms
, they
work
Use synonyms
 for social welfare and growth of economics
Finally
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, when people retired from their
work
Use synonyms
 they are considered as an
assets
Suggestion
asset
for
Suggestion
to
of
 the
society
Use synonyms
 because they already
work
Use synonyms
 hard for the
society
Use synonyms
 as well as country.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they invest their valuable knowledge, energy, time for betterment of the country
economic
Suggestion
economically
. In that case,
retirement
Use synonyms
 is the award for them; so that, they can take care of their health and give
times
Suggestion
time
 themselves and family
also
Linking Words
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
government
Suggestion
the government
pay
Suggestion
pays
 pension, health care benefits to the retired people as
a
Suggestion
an
 award for their contribution. In conclusion, I can say that, old people are the treasured for the
society
Use synonyms
; so, in
this
Linking Words
 case I
can not
can not
cannot
 clearly say that, when they had been get retired from their jobs, it was their choice that, they want to
work
Use synonyms
 more or not.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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