IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Obesity is a serious problem in many countries, especially in rich countries. Discuss ways to solve the problem. Provide specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

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Owing to urbanization and industrialization, there has been a dramatic
rise
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 in
obesity
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 among people of all age
groups particularly
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groups, particularly
 in the developed countries like the United Kingdom and the USA.
This
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 essay sheds light on the issue and will offer solutions for the same.
Firstly
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, the surge in popularity of technological advancements and innovation among youngsters have made them less inclined to indulge in physical exercise and sports activities.
For instance
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, a survey conducted
in
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at
by
 the University of Cambridge revealed that 68% of teenagers professed that they prefer staying at home playing computer games rather than playing outside with their peers.
This
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 attitude and lack of exercise has led to a drastic
rise
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 in
obesity
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 among young people.
Moreover
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, commercialization has
also
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 significantly contributed to
this
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 problem.
Multi-national
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Multinational
 companies all over the world encourage people to purchase their products through attractive advertisements, irrespective of the health hazards they may cause.
For instance
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, there has been a worldwide enormous growth in sales of Lays Chips and Coca-Cola, especially in the rich countries. The aforementioned evidence shows that
obesity
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 is on the
rise
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 in several regions of the world. In order to solve
this
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 issue, schools should make it compulsory for all pupils to participate in a physical sport every day.
In addition
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, they should conduct awareness programs educating them about the harmful effects of
obesity
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 and other health hazards associated with it.
Also
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, parents should strictly monitor the amount of time their child spends on playing video games. The government should increase the price of all forms of junk food, thereby increasing the tax on these products and making it less affordable. To conclude, if the appropriate measures taken by teachers, parents and the local authorities, the
rise
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 of
obesity
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 will reduce in the developed world.

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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