IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The lifespan of people has been
gone
Suggestion
going
 up considerably when compared to past due to great developments and innovations in
healthcare
Suggestion
health care
 in our modern era and some people feel that the
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 should be increased.
Although
Linking Words
 extending the working
age
Use synonyms
 could bring about some merits, I believe that there are far more inevitable concerns.
Initially
Linking Words
, raising workforce with myriad experienced staff would lead the economy of
company
Suggestion
the company
companies
a company
 to develop in any aspects. To clarify, a lot of developed states have applied
extension
Suggestion
extensively
 in working
age
Use synonyms
 and obtained
great increase
Suggestion
a great increase
 in their economy and status in the world. Ergo, the growth in
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 can give a chance to the old to spend more time on their
work station
a desktop digital computer that is conventionally considered to be more powerful than a microcomputer
workstation
 and
this
Linking Words
 endows them to gain financial independence. Foreseeing
this
Linking Words
, the young may be more motivated and impressed thanks to the desire of older people who sacrifice themselves for the company or country.
In other words
Linking Words
, these industrious older human beings may be the national icon for
start-ups
the act of setting in operation
startups
startups'
startup's
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, increasing the
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 would cause discouragement amid the young and employees who are working hard so as to climb up in their career ladder since
large number
Suggestion
a large number
 of older people are holding top positions.
Thus
Linking Words
, as it is difficult to be employed in top positions
of
Suggestion
in
 the government, most successful entrepreneurs have commenced their respective business.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 may cause in the increase of the redundancy rate in society as more youngsters face difficulties while finding a job. Another cardinal reason is that there are some tough professions which demand more strength and stamina and cause troubles to the old while working.
For example
Linking Words
, it is unfair to tell firefighters or policemen to work more. Yet, life after
retirement
Use synonyms
 means the respect for
this
Linking Words
 type of people. To recapitulate,
although
Linking Words
 increasing
Use synonyms
retirement
Suggestion
the retirement age
age
Use synonyms
 will benefit the old in various ways and decline their financial stress, it is highly suggested that governments should be cautious prior to choosing to apply
this
Linking Words
 policy.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: