IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

financial education should be a mandatory components of the high school program.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#education #components #school #program
The Monetary discipline, subject should be included as compulsory course in the higher studies streams. It
is recently argued
Suggestion
has recently been argued
, that financial education should be obligatory subject in high schools. I
compeletly
to a complete degree or to the full or entire extent
completely
 agreed with
this
 thought as it will instruct pupils regarding saving funds.
First
 of all I believe that, nowadays children are spending money in terms of buying unnecessary stuff and they do not realise the value of money.
Moreover
,
Accept space
,
 in today's modern society, parents are occupied in their 9 to 5 jobs and most of the parents are not around, so they lend their debit / credit cards to their children as in case of emergency requirement.
However
, children misuse
this cards
Suggestion
these cards
this card
 in terms of
fullfiling
put in effect
fulfilling
 their needs.
For example
, most of the children spend their time
to play
Suggestion
playing
 multiple games and gets addicted to it. To bring the feeling of
satification
the contentment one feels when one has fulfilled a desire, need, or expectation
satisfaction
, they end up buying gaming cards or visit game zone parlour where they waste
huge amount
Suggestion
a huge amount
 of time along with money. As we move focus towards fashion, it is the
next
 popular trend among the youth and everyone wants to look like
celebrity
Suggestion
a celebrity
celebrities
,
as a result
 their attention draws towards trendy cloths and
withouth
in absence of
without
second thought
Suggestion
a second thought
 they purchased it
.
Accept space
.
Additionally
,
Accept space
,
among the girls the tendency of makeup is increasing day by day and because of the
advance
Suggestion
advanced
techonlogy
the practical application of science to commerce or industry
technology
,
throught
from beginning to end
through
thought
Andriod
an open-source operating system used for smartphones and tablet computers
Android
android
 apps they get multiple choices in cosmetics along with the discounts. Meanwhile, in
thier
of them or themselves
their
 free time, many of them end up spending
huge amount
Suggestion
a huge amount
huge amounts
 on these makeup kits. So, In my view
,
Accept space
,
the concept of Financial education brought up by high schools, is most useful in terms of awareness to those kids who are addicted to playing games and become
shopoholic
. Eventually,
this
 subject will help to educate them in terms of saving their funds for their near future.
Secondly economic
Accept comma addition
Secondly, economic
aducation
the activities of educating or instructing; activities that impart knowledge or skill
education
 is needed for the development of their future
investement
the act of investing; laying out money or capital in an enterprise with the expectation of profit
investments
.
Besides
this
 they will learn how to invest on the productive things and make use of that.
Moreover
Accept comma addition
Moreover, this
this
 course will slow down the development of narcissist nature
amoung
in the middle of
among
 the kids
additionally
 it will teach them how to live
simple life
Suggestion
a simple life
the simple life
simple lives
.
Submitted by invictusfz5 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: