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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

This bar chart below shows the hours per week that teenagers spend doing certain activities in Chester from 2002 to 2007.

This bar chart below shows the hours per week that teenagers spend doing certain activities in Chester from 2002 to 2007.
#bar #hours #week #teenagers #activities #chester
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This
Linking Words
 bar chart provides information about the time in a week
that is
Linking Words
 being used by
teenagers
Use synonyms
 in several activities in Chester
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the
year
Use synonyms
 2000 till 2007.
Overall
Linking Words
, the most popular activity over the period was watching TV,
while
Linking Words
 bowling was the least favourite.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, going to pubs/discos, watching television and shopping increased
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their numbers. All the other activities showed a decrease in their
hours
Use synonyms
, except watching
DVD's
Change noun form
DVD
show examples
 which fluctuated.
Teenagers
Use synonyms
 spend 25% on watching TV in 2002.
This
Linking Words
 showed an upward trend
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 nearly 40% in the final
year
Use synonyms
. Both going to the pubs/discos and shopping doubled up from more than 5 to over 5 and more than 5 to exactly 15.
While
Linking Words
teenagers
Use synonyms
 occupied more than 10
hours
Use synonyms
 doing their homework,
this
Linking Words
 number came down to approximately 7%. Doing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 experienced a popularity of 10% in the final
year
Use synonyms
, which dropped down to 2%. Bowling was under 5 and remained like that during
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 time.
Finally
Linking Words
, the total
hours
Use synonyms
teenagers
Use synonyms
 dedicated watching
DVD's
Change noun form
DVDs
show examples
 was only 10
hours
Use synonyms
 in the first and final
year
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but reached a peak of 18
hours
Use synonyms
 in 2004.
Submitted by rehanauddin9 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words teenagers, year, hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "go" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "go" was used 2 times.
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