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Writing Samples
Band 6

The bar chart illustrates the amount of third-year foreign students being registered in two courses in computer science at a Canadian college.

The bar chart illustrates the amount of third-year foreign students being registered in two courses in computer science at a Canadian college.
The bar chart illustrates the amount of
third
Linking Words
-year foreign
students
Use synonyms
 being registered in two courses in computer science at a Canadian college. 
Overall
Linking Words
, among four
Asian
Use synonyms
countries
Use synonyms
 ( China, Sir Lanka, Malaysia,
Sigapore
Correct your spelling
Singapore
) and one European country ( France), female
students
Use synonyms
 were more than male
students
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. The large portion of foreign
students
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 computer science department was from China, 18
students
Use synonyms
Change preposition
in totally
show examples
totally
Change the word
total
show examples
;
while
Linking Words
, the least amount of
students
Use synonyms
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 from France, 5
students
Use synonyms
. The total
Use synonyms
students
Correct quantifier usage
number of students
show examples
 from
Sigapore
Correct your spelling
Singapore
 were equal to those from Sri Lanka, total
12
Change preposition
of 12
show examples
students
Use synonyms
, which occupied the
second
Linking Words
 place. Following the two
countries
Use synonyms
, there was Malaysia with total
11
Change preposition
of 11
show examples
students
Use synonyms
, in the
third
Linking Words
 spot. A close look at the chart reveals that female
students
Use synonyms
 from the four
Asian
Use synonyms
countries
Use synonyms
 were more interested in studying
Networking
Correct article usage
the Networking
show examples
course
Use synonyms
;
while
Linking Words
, there is no French female student studying
this
Linking Words
course
Use synonyms
. Around
one
Add a hyphen
one-third
show examples
third
Linking Words
 of total
Asian
Use synonyms
 female
students
Use synonyms
 studied
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 courses.  On
opposite
Add an article
the opposite
show examples
 side, all male
students
Use synonyms
 enjoyed learning
Databse
Correct your spelling
Database
course
Use synonyms
, especially those from these four
Asian
Use synonyms
countries
Use synonyms
. Among nine Chinese male
students
Use synonyms
, eight were enrolled in
Correct article usage
the Databse
show examples
Databse
Correct your spelling
Database
course
Use synonyms
. Six out of eight male
students
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 from Sri Lanka studies
this
Linking Words
course
Use synonyms
. The number of male
students
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 from Singapore, Malaysia and France
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 4, 3 and 1 respectively. Only about 10-20% of male
students
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studies
Change the verb form
study
show examples
 Networking
course
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "third, while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, asian, countries, course with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrates" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "amount" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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