IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believed that entertainers are more important than scientists. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #entertainers #scientists
It is true that education is i
ndispensible
not to be dispensed with; essential
indispensable
for children to accommodate with the fast paced of modern life. To a certain extent I disagree with the idea that educational curriculum should leave the arts subjects
such
 as painting and
music
.
However
, I accept that they need to acknowledge practical subjects
such
 as information
technology
. Learning information
technology
 in the
s
chool’s
Suggestion
school
education can bring a new advancement for a
country
. It allows children to broaden their knowledge about the
technology
 tools
such
 as computer which could encourage them to research and d
eveloping
Suggestion
development
in
this
 sector.
For example
, in Finland, children learn software developing in
school
 which helps to invent c
onvenient computer application
Suggestion
a convenient computer application
for them.
This
 could be a progress for a
country
 to advance in the contemporary world.
Therefore
, studying information
technology
 is a way to organize young learners for the developed world.
However
, I would argue that painting and
music
 should not be eliminated from the syllabus to increase children’s focus on the above mentioned subject. Excluding these subjects can effect on both cultures and economy of a
country
.
This
 could be a deterrent for the children to practice their traditional
music
 which keep them unaware about their cultures.
Hence
, they might forget own cultural
music
 and tend to adopt other cultures which pose a significant cultural threat f
or
Suggestion
to
from
a
country
. A recent survey shows that in Bangladesh 20% young people are naive about their folk
music
 because they have not p
ractice
Suggestion
practiced
it in
school
.
Similarly
, we would have suffered f
or
Suggestion
from
the need of artists in paintings, and
this
 could prohibit us to arrange any international exhibitions
.
Accept space
.
As a result
, there are few foreign visitors will be interested to travel the
country
, and losing the income from
this
 sector. In conclusion, though learning scientific subjects at
school
 poses essential competency for the children to manage the modern world, I believe that paintings and
music
 should not be removed from the
school
 curriculum f
or
Suggestion
in
these subjects.
Submitted by drcarljensen783 on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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