IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Today people are surrounded by advertising. This affects what people think is important and has a negative impact on people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #impact #people’s #lives
With the advent of the Internet, advertisements, originally displayed only on TV, billboards, posters and so on, are becoming increasingly ubiquitous and commonplace for the general public. In my view,
this
 kind of impact could be both crucial and, on a certain level, detrimental. On the one hand,
this
 phenomenon could denote that
although
 we have already had a diverse range of
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
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,
people
 are still capable of inventing innovative approaches catering for all kinds of requirements of advertising. It is a symbol that demonstrates the creativity rooted in human beings. Apart from that, it
also
 represents that the speed of spreading information is conspicuously escalating. More purposeful is,
therefore
, the fact that,
besides
 booming of the advertising, it constitutes a major reason why
people
 could be so prosperous in
this
 digital age.
On the other hand
, there are various unpleasant consequences as well.
Firstly
,
with
Change preposition
apply
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the omnipresent
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
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,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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could potentially cause
people
 to do impulsive shopping.
Secondly
, the advertisement, if regulated in a mismanaged method, could make
people
 constantly feel uncomfortable or annoyed. In
this
 sense,
instead
 of being an instrumental tool to promote amenities, advertisements could be considered a hindrance when
people
 are frequently blocked by them.
Furthermore
, it would cost one precious time to have to sift the helpful ad from a host of others. In conclusion, as far as I am concerned, advertising is a beneficial phenomenon for all with a number of insignificant drawbacks. I believe that in the future we can improve the way advertising is done at present, and embrace the positive influence of advertising even
further
 in the long run.
Submitted by trnikola21 on

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task response
Task Achievement: The essay responds to the prompt and provides a clear position. Clear and comprehensive ideas are presented, but more focused and relevant specific examples would strengthen the response.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, contributing to a logical structure. However, the essay lacks stronger support for the main points and could benefit from more cohesive linking of ideas throughout the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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