IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many countries people working in sport and entertainment earn much more money than professionals like doctors, nurses and teachers. Why do you think this happens in some societies and do you consider it is good or bad?

#countries #people #sport #entertainment #money #professionals #doctors #nurses #teachers #societies
It is evident that in many countries professionals like doctors, nurses and teachers are paid lesser than those who are employed in sports and
entertainment
 sectors. In my opinion, I strongly consider
this
behavior
manner of acting or controlling yourself
behaviour
 to be a bad practice as professionals should be earning more money. The main rationale behind paying
lumpsum
Suggestion
lump sum
 amounts to sport and
entertainment
 workers is due to
the high
Suggestion
higher
 revenue generated by these businesses.
In other words
, people in some countries lavishly spend on these sectors both legally and illegally.
For instance
, research conducted by the UK government demonstrated that eighty percent of the citizen in London are more likely to spend a larger proportion of the income on
entertainment
, which enables high monetary inflow to that sector. Because of the high income, the people working for it get a higher salary.
Consequently
,
entertainment
 and sport works are paid higher. Giving more salary to these people discourages the professionals who provide
service
Suggestion
services
 to people. Owning to the less package paid
to healthcare
Accept comma addition
to, healthcare
 employees and teachers, they get attracted to concentrate on other modes of earning, which deviates their primary focus.
For example
, an investigation conducted by the World Health Organization on physicians proved that most of the doctors are doing side business as they are not able to manage the family expenditure.
As a result
, the quality of work is reduced drastically, which is
major threat
Suggestion
a major threat
 to a country. In conclusion, I believe that it is not right to invest more on
entertainment
 and sports,
instead
, the investment should be made
on
Suggestion
to
by
 doctors, nurses, and teachers who play a vital role in everyone's life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: