IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Playing a musical instrument is one of the most important achievements for any child. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

The role of
music
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
 continues to be a controversial issue
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 society, with some people
think
Wrong verb form
thinking
show examples
 that the achievements of playing a musical
instrument
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 an important part for youngsters. Personally, I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea because of the ability of
music
Use synonyms
 to bring some benefits to the younger generation. The first reason for
this
Linking Words
 is that playing the
instrument
Use synonyms
 helps
children
Use synonyms
 learn to be patient because it takes a lot of time and
constantly practicing
Replace the word
constant practice
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, to learn how to play
piano
Correct article usage
the piano
show examples
 usually takes at least half a year to a year.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it
also
Linking Words
 helps
children
Use synonyms
 improve
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 memory of the brain because
often
Correct pronoun usage
they often
show examples
 repeat the
music
Use synonyms
playing
Wrong verb form
being played
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, the brain will practice memory skills so young
children
Use synonyms
 remember knowledge longer and faster
while
Linking Words
 at school.
In addition
Linking Words
 to the reason above, it helps develop the ability to communicate,
combination
Replace the word
combine
show examples
 and work in teams.
For instance
Linking Words
, to complete a symphony
everyone
Punctuation problem
, everyone
show examples
 needs to coordinate and communicate with each other to achieve the best results.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 will confidently communicate, express themselves and actively participate in group activities.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 researchers,
music
Use synonyms
 helps people relax, reduce stress
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
it
Use the right word
is
show examples
 used by doctors to treat depression effectively.
This
Linking Words
 is a way to help
children
Use synonyms
 learn to overcome difficulties themselves. In conclusion, the benefits of
music
Use synonyms
 are undeniable, so I personally think that parents should for their
children
Use synonyms
learn
Verb problem
to learn
show examples
 an
instrument
Use synonyms
 because the ability to play an
instrument
Use synonyms
 benefits any child and that it should
have been
Verb problem
be taught
show examples
 from a young age.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Plan with 4 parts: intro, 2–3 body para, short conclusion. State your view in the intro and restate in the conclusion.
coherence
Each paragraph should have one main idea and be linked to the next with simple words like 'also', 'next', 'however'.
content
Give more clear, real examples about how music helps a child; avoid broad claims about doctors or big facts. Use simple cases from school or home.
language
Check grammar and make each sentence clear. Use short, simple sentences and avoid long, mixed phrases.
task response
You show a clear view that you agree.
content
There are several ideas about how music can help a child (patience, memory, teamwork).
structure
There is some basic paragraph work and linking words.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: