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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the places visited by different people living in Canada. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the places visited by different people living in Canada. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#places #people #canada #summaries #information #features #comparisons
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The chart provides information about the places where people can
joint
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join
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 free-time
activity
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activities
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 by three distinct groups: native
Canadians
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, people who migrate
in
Change preposition
to
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 English-speaking
countries
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 and people
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
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 not speak English in other
countries
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, it
clears
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is clears
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 that there is a tendency for
Canadians
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 and new
migrants
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 born in English-speaking to go
the
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to the
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 cinema.
By contrast
Linking Words
, new
migrants
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 born in other
countries
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 prefer the library to the cinema. The cinema is the
kinds
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kind
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 of leisure activity with the longest
percentage
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 of native
Canadians
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 (70%), compared to approximately 65% of
migrants
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 from English-speaking
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
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 and 50% of
migrants
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 from other
countries
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. The
percentage
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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English-speaking
migrants
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 is shorter than the proportion of
Canadians
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 5% in the theatre,
while
Linking Words
 the
percentage
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 of
migrants
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 from non-English-speaking
countries
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 is 10%. The
percentage
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 of the library experiences an upward trend for non-English-speaking
migrants
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to
Change preposition
apply
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55%,
while
Linking Words
 the figure for
Canadians
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 and migrant from English-speaking is 37% and 40% respectively. Half the
migrants
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 from non-English-speaking
countries
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 go to the zoo.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the proportion of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
migrants
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 from English-speaking
countries
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 is longer than the
percentage
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 of
Canadians
Use synonyms
 at the zoo roughly 3%.
Submitted by nguyennhancrazy on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words canadians, countries, migrants, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "go" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "go" was used 2 times.
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