IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #lessons #money #school
Social and public organizations,
such
 as charities, create special events to be celebrated, like 'National Children's Day' and 'National Non-smoking Day'. There are a lot of factors that motivated these organizations to invent and give special names
in particular
 days, but none of them are for
the bad
Suggestion
the worst
 purposes.
However
, these particular events are less effective due to the high amount of names have been given out.
First
 of all, there are a lot of special names in some particular days have been named and all of them were purposely made to lead a better life for humanity. Take
for example
, National Children's Day which indicate the importance of children health and growth. There are a lot of unfortunate children around the world who do not have
luxury
Suggestion
the luxury
 and opportunity to study and receive a good health treatment.
In other words
, by creating
such
 an event, hopefully people will help and volunteer in either by sharing some amount of money or doing social activities.
Thus
, even if some special names are not really urgent to be created, none of them are made for bad purposes.
Secondly
, due to the many creations of special names, people tend not to take these much more seriously than before. Even though the events were made to remind each individual to do some good deeds, too many of them will become less worth it.
Thus
, people will eventually take
such
 days, particular days with special names, for granted. So, in order to make it more effective the amount of events need to be reduced and only keep the most important one. That's why, unless the number of events
beeing
the state or fact of existing
being
been
 decreased, it will not give any special notice for people.
Therefore
, Social and public organizations need to make some priority and put the most urgent and important one. In conclusion, despite the positive reasons in making special names
on
Suggestion
of
for
 particular days, the effectiveness will go downwards because there
are
Suggestion
were
 already too many of them.
Submitted by tryalditama on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: