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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The diagrams below show the changes that have taken place at West Park Secondary School since it construction in 1950.

The diagrams below show the changes that have taken place at West Park Secondary School since it construction in 1950.
The provided
diagram
Use synonyms
 shows the
changes
Use synonyms
 West Park Secondary
School
Use synonyms
 has undergone since it was first established in 1950. As is presented, the
school
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 has gone through some major
changes
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 and has
also
Linking Words
 remained the same since 1950. When looking at the diagrams, you can see that the main
school
Use synonyms
 building has not changed at all. There was an additional building added
on
Change preposition
apply
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in 1980 called the Science block which was added to accommodate the
increase
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 in student enrolments, which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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was not
the
Correct article usage
apply
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anticipating
Replace the word
anticipated
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. The only other major
changes
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 have been to its surroundings.
According to
Linking Words
 the
school
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’s layout
diagram
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 of the year 2010, there has been an
increase
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 in the size of the car park compared to the
1980’s
Change noun form
1980s
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school
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 layout
diagram
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. When deciding to
increase
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 the
school
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 car park area, certain
school
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 facilities had to be sacrificed,
for instance
Linking Words
, the sports field is a
third
Linking Words
 of its size compared to the 1980’s
school
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 layout
diagram
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. The playground was
also
Linking Words
 downsized by a quarter of its original size in 1950 and 1980. My conclusion is that these
changes
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 had to be done in order to accommodate a major
increase
Use synonyms
 in enrolments of students since its establishment in 1950 and maybe
also
Linking Words
due to
Linking Words
 the growth in population and developments in their area.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words diagram, changes, school, increase with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "diagram" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 4 times.
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