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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The given pie-charts
compares
Correct subject-verb agreement
compare
show examples
 the four different categories for their e-
sales
Use synonyms
 amongst
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Canadian retailers in the
years
Use synonyms
 2005 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that online
sales
Use synonyms
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
electronic items and home furnishers dropped,
however
Linking Words
, the craze for food and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video games increased during five
years
Use synonyms
 period.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
 2005,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
electronics and appliances had a total of 35% retailed online
sales
Use synonyms
 that made over one-
third
Linking Words
 of the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
total
sales
Use synonyms
. In 2010,
however
Linking Words
, these dropped to 30%.
Similarly
Linking Words
, a dramatic drop in the popularity of home furnishers was observed over five
years
Use synonyms
 time that plunged to 15% from 25%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a tremendous boost was noted
amongst
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the online
sales
Use synonyms
 of Food and beverages which rose to 32% in 2010 from 22% in 2005. The public craze for online shopping of video games
also
Linking Words
 showed
considerable
Correct article usage
a considerable
show examples
 rise that increased from 18% to 23% over a period of five
years
Use synonyms
 respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words years, sales with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • distribution
  • percentage
  • sector
  • sales figures
  • revenue
  • growth
  • decline
  • stable
  • significant
  • leading
  • least performing
  • comparison
  • trend
  • increase
  • decrease
  • online shopping
  • retail sectors
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