IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some parts of the world it is becoming popular to research the history of one’s own family. Why might people want to do this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#parts #world #research #history #one’s #people #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In certain areas of the world, it
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a trend to have a pedigree analysis of one’s own family because
people
Use synonyms
 want to be aware of their medical history
due to
Linking Words
growing
Correct article usage
the growing
show examples
 disease rate nowadays. In my opinion, it is a positive approach as it would help them to identify suspected inherited syndromes.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in recent years, a huge number of
people
Use synonyms
 prefer pedigree analysis of their
families
Use synonyms
 since they want to inquire
their
Change preposition
about their
show examples
 family background related to certain diseases as it is increasingly prevalent around the globe.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it would help them to investigate genetic ailments which run in the
families
Use synonyms
 and would eventually express in future generations, so family
tree
Fix the agreement mistake
trees
show examples
 would help
people
Use synonyms
 to pre-diagnose congenital diseases,
for instance
Linking Words
, hearing loss is a genetic disorder which runs in the
families
Use synonyms
 of various regions of Pakistan.
Hence
Linking Words
, knowing the family roots will enable
people
Use synonyms
 to be aware of foreseeing circumstances.
Secondly
Linking Words
, I believe,
diagnosing
Correct word choice
that diagnosing
show examples
 suspected genetic syndromes using
family
Correct article usage
a family
show examples
 tree would help
people
Use synonyms
 to get early counselling about particular disorders as it would help them to take preliminary
precaution
Fix the agreement mistake
precautions
show examples
 and have a proper medical checkup on time,
furthermore
Linking Words
, it would help
people
Use synonyms
 to know more about their family customs, values, culture and even intelligence.
For instance
Linking Words
, in our country cousin marriages in one of the leading causes of hearing loss in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
families
Use synonyms
 so by having family background information
people
Use synonyms
 can stop consanguineous marriages.
To conclude
Linking Words
, in numerous countries of the world,
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to have family background research as it would help them to inquire
various
Change preposition
about various
show examples
 suspected diseases which run in their
families
Use synonyms
 and ultimately affect
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 generations. I believe it is an optimistic approach because it will help them to take precautionary measures to control
such
Linking Words
 ailments and
also
Linking Words
 it will be beneficial in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long run for
people
Use synonyms
 to know about their family roots, history, customs and values.
Submitted by khushbkht on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Address the essay prompt more directly and thoroughly. Develop the points with more depth and clarity.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic logical structure, but the introduction and conclusion need to be more developed. Ensure that the main points are more clearly supported and connected throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: