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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart illustrated the salt intake in six different-age groups in two genders in the USA in 2000.

The bar chart illustrated the salt intake in six different-age groups in two genders in the USA in 2000.
The bar chart illustrated the
salt
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 intake in six
different-age
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different age
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groups
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in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 two genders in the USA in 2000. A close look at the chart revealed that male
Americans
Use synonyms
 consumed more
salts
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 than female ones in all five
groups
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.
Except
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forExcept
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 the group of children under 6
years
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 old,
Americans
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 in the rest of
five
Correct article usage
the five
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groups
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 had consumed
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
amount
Change the quantifier
number
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 of
salts
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 higher than the
level
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 recommended. The boys under 6
years
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 old consumed about 2000mg of
salts
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 daily, 500
mg
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 lower than the recommended
level
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.
However
Linking Words
,
consume
Replace the word
consumption
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 of
salts
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 dramatically increased as the boys grew, with 3500mg by the group aged 6-11
years
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 old and about 4300
mg
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 by the group aged 12 -19
years
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 old. The figure peaked at 4500mg by the adults aged 30-39
years
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 old, about one time higher than the recommended
level
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 and
then
Linking Words
 dropped gradually.
However
Linking Words
, the seniors over 60
years
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 old still consumed about 3500mg, 1000mg higher than the recommended
level
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.
The female
Correct article usage
Female
show examples
Americans
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 consumed less
salt
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. The figures presented a steady trend in the middle four
groups
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 ( 6-11
years
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 old, 12-19
years
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 old, 39-40
years
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 old and 40-60
years
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 old) with about 2750mg. The females over 60
years
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 old consumed the exact amount of
salt
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 recommended. Girls under 6
years
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 old only ate around 1800mg daily.
Overall
Linking Words
,
Americans
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 tended to be fond of salty food. Males ate more
salt
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 than females, especially in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adulthood between 20- 39
years
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 old.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words salt, groups, americans, salts, years, level, mg with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrated" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • depicts
  • salt consumption
  • age groups
  • gender
  • differences
  • notable
  • intake
  • observed
  • high
  • consumption
  • tend to
  • lowest
  • trend
  • increases
  • implications
  • negative health effects
  • risk
  • hypertension
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • recommendations
  • encouraging
  • reduced
  • promoting
  • awareness
  • consequences
  • excessive
  • sodium
  • public health
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