There is no need to go out to see live performance (concert...) because it is better to see them on the TV or Computer screen. Do you agree or disagree

An emerging trend which has generated a
wide-spread
Correct your spelling
widespread
show examples
phenomenon in
entertainment
Add an article
the entertainment
show examples
field is watching
home
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
. I am inclined to believe that watching
movies
at
home
is much better than coming to the social cinema. Not only will watching
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
at
home
help us to save our precious time but it can
also
be a private area to enjoy
movie
series. To look at the
home
entertainment
aspect, the most important factor to consider is
home
Correct article usage
the home
show examples
entertainment
aspect. If a person has his or her private applications or websites to relax against some pillows
while
watching the
movies
, it will be one of the best
option
Change to a plural noun
options
show examples
for them to save
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
of huge money
instead
of uncomfortably going
direct
Replace the word
directly
show examples
to the social cinema.
Such
a form of
home
entertainment
,
moreover
, will create a private place for us to watch wonderful
movies
without irritating
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others intensely. The more people are around, the more bad emotional feelings we will get. It is true that we always find confidence and truly
happy
Replace the word
happiness
show examples
whenever we can gather with friends or family members, which can be destroyed
while
watching in the social cinema with strangers. In order to avoid
this
situation, all we need to do is self-quarantine, find a great
Tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
show and relax. With that being said, everything always has its defective sides and it is pretty true on
home
-
movie
watching. What really
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
audience
Add an article
the audience
show examples
truly boring
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
the film is
distraction
Correct article usage
the distraction
show examples
. Assuming a person is watching his favorite
movie
, he might be momentarily distracted by social media platforms
such
as Facebook, Instagram or even the notification of messages which is pretty unpleasant. Watching
movies
at
home
can affect negatively
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our routine, we might be immersed in blockbuster
movies
or
Tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
series and be lazy.
Moreover
, Blue light from computer screens will cause some contemporary symptoms
such
as eye strain,
blur
Replace the word
blurred
show examples
vision or headache. In conclusion, watching
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
is on the rise, and
this
home watching
Add a hyphen
home-watching
show examples
trend brings both advantages and disadvantages to
our self
Correct your spelling
ourselves
show examples
and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
The essay structure needs some improvement. Introduce the topic clearly and make sure to divide your main points into different paragraphs. Also, make sure your sentences are grammatically correct and vary in complexity.
content
Make sure that your essay strictly addresses the given task. The essay doesn't address the task of discussing whether it's better to see live performances in person or on TV/computer screen. The mention of 'home movie' and 'social cinema' seem tangential to the main topic.
examples
Give clear and specific examples to support each main idea. Vague or generic examples won't help the examiner understand your point.
conclusion
Your conclusion should summarize your main points and present a clear position on the topic. In this essay, the conclusion is vague and doesn't clearly make a final point in relation to the essay prompt.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: