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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The pie charts below compare water usage in San Diego County and California and the rest of the world

The pie charts below compare water usage in San Diego County and California and the rest of the world
#water #usage #san #diego #county #california #rest #world
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The pictures illustrate the
water
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 used for residential, industry and
agriculture
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 in two main kinds of Cities including
San
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Diego
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County
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 and
California
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 and worldwide. It is noticeable that more
water
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 is consumed by homes than by industry and
agriculture
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 in both cities.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
agriculture
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 accounts for the vast majority of
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water
Add an article
the water
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 used in the rest of the world. It can be seen from the graph that in
San
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Diego
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County
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 and
California
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 State, residential
water
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 consumption
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 up three-fifths and nearly two-fifths respectively
while
Linking Words
 a mere 8% of the
water
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 used globally goes
to
Remove the preposition
apply
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home. The opposite pattern can be seen when we look at
water
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 consumption for
agriculture
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. The largest proportion of
agriculture
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 is worldwide, at 69%, but only 17% and 28% of
water
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 usage in
San
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Diego
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County
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 and
California
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 in turn.
Such
Linking Words
 dramatic differences are not seen when we compare the figure for industrial
water
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 use. The figure
simultaneously
Add a missing verb
is simultaneously
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 at over a fifth in
San
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Diego
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County
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 and Worldwide.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the figure for
California
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 is substantially higher at 33%.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words water, agriculture, san, diego, county, california with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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