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Band 6.5

The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy.

The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy.
#show #results #survey #people #age #groups
The pie charts compare information about the main factors to make happy
according to
 two age
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 ( under 30 and over 30 )
Overall
,
It is clear that
 both age
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 present similarities and differences. Both age
grouos
Correct your spelling
groups
 consider that achievement at work
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
 them the highest percentage of happiness. Doing hobbies represent the
second
 largest percentage.
Firstly
 , it can be observed that achievement at work
account
Correct subject-verb agreement
accounts
show examples
 for 63 % of
happiness
Correct article usage
the happiness
show examples
 factor
collectevitly
Correct your spelling
collectively
.
Moreover
, 22% of
people
 who are under 30 said that hobbies make
then
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
 happy. It can be seen
almonst
Correct your spelling
almost
amongst
 the same amount of
people
 ( 22%) over 30 that consider a leisure time an
importan
Correct your spelling
important
 reason to be happy. Turning to the differences,
it is clear that
 having a good
apparence
Correct your spelling
appearance
 and travelling
represent
Change the verb form
represents
show examples
 an essential factor for young
people
,
comprised
Wrong verb form
comprising
show examples
 18 % and 15 % respectively.
In contrast
 ,
people
 who are over 30
gives
Correct subject-verb agreement
give
show examples
 more priority to
Correct your spelling
financial
finantial
Correct your spelling
financial
 security ( 20 %) and being with family ( 14 %)

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "it is clear that".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "represent" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "differences" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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