IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some businesses now say that no-one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree with this?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
Linking Words
 day and age, smoking has been widely prohibited in a number of firms, organizations, and public amenities. It is controversial whether
this
Linking Words
 policy should be generalized and become legally effective.
Although
Linking Words
 smoking is dangerous to our health, I believe that it should be allowed in certain areas.
This
Linking Words
 essay below will tackle the premise above and prove my point. Smoking is undeniably detrimental to our
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 and well-being. First of all, it has been proven that regular
smoker
Fix the agreement mistake
smokers
show examples
 will suffer from a host of diseases, namely asthma, pneumonia, lung cancer, etc.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the death toll registered by smoking individuals every year is considerably larger than the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 died in car accidents.
Moreover
Linking Words
, tobacco smoke not only has an adverse effect on active smokers but
also
Linking Words
 the passive ones. The latter is believed to be as susceptible to aforementioned illnesses as the former and sometimes more severely.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the government spends a fortune every year on
cigarette
Use synonyms
 taxes and these numbers are approximately equivalent to the budget spending on health care for ill smokers.
This
Linking Words
 certainly indicates that if there were to
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
 fewer smoking individuals, there would be more
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
 to support other ill patients. Despite all the health
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
 it may cause, I am opposed to the idea that smoking should be prohibited in outdoor places.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, smoking is a right, not a crime.
People
Use synonyms
 need to understand that
cigarette
Use synonyms
 consumption is legal and only
due to
Linking Words
 certain organizational policies that it is restricted.
Therefore
Linking Words
, if smokers were to respect non-smokers by stubbing out their
Use synonyms
cigarette
Fix the agreement mistake
cigarettes
show examples
,
then
Linking Words
 it is reasonable for
people
Use synonyms
 to smoke wherever permitted.
In addition
Linking Words
, smoking has been an effective stress reliever for many
people
Use synonyms
, especially
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 are snowed under a large amount of workload. It is reported that smoking a
cigarette
Use synonyms
 could help you unwind mentally and alleviate any lingering negative feelings. To summarize,
although
Linking Words
 smoking can possibly have fatal effects on our
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
, I think it should be deemed as a personal right and permanent inhibition in public areas is unnecessary.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Your introduction presents your viewpoint clearly; however, ensure to state it more assertively early on. Consider rephrasing the thesis statement to make it more compelling.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay flows well, but transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, when shifting to the opposing view, a clearer transition would enhance coherence.
Task Achievement
Your examples regarding health impacts are good, but consider adding more detailed statistics or studies to strengthen your claims. This would enhance the relevance and specificity of your arguments.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument effectively, demonstrating an understanding of the complexity of the issue, which is commendable.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have used a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary, which showcases your linguistic ability and adds sophistication to your writing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • second-hand smoke
  • respiratory diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • productivity
  • fire hazards
  • environmental advantages
  • aesthetics
  • non-smokers
  • personal freedom
  • well-being
  • smoking bans
What to do next:
Look at other essays: