IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people believe that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible. Others, however, believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old. Which viewpoint do you agree with?

#people #children #school #home #six #seven #years
Some often argue to keep babies at home and engage themselves in gaming before 6/7 Ages
while
remaining
Correct article usage
the remaining
show examples
 community
opine
Correct subject-verb agreement
opines
show examples
 to send them to school very
earlier
Rephrase
early
show examples
. My writing Agrees that young
children
 should be kept at home until 7 years old.
This
 essay is going to Describe
firstly
, basic information comes from
family
Add an article
a family
show examples
as well as
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is gained at an early age and
secondly
, it increases affection
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 family bondage. Family is the best primary school to teach their babies basic teaching. To illustrate, an early
Aged
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
child needs to have some basic life leading
educations
Fix the agreement mistake
education
show examples
 which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 taught
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 family at Their younger age and
this
 time
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 perfect to gain any discipline
due to
 having
sharper
Correct article usage
a sharper
show examples
 talent To understand anything. Babies unconsciously follow the lifestyles of their parents and often They are governed by many seniors in a family,
this
 might not happen for other members As they are
blood connected
Add a hyphen
blood-connected
show examples
 people. If they are sent to school before 7, they obviously get The touch of outer knowledge and practical lives, but it may lead them in
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
show examples
 ways
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. UN Reported that almost 20%
Asian
Change preposition
of Asian
show examples
children
 pursue their adult lives roughly because of getting Fewer family touches at
younger
Add an article
a younger
show examples
 age.To increase strong ancestry,
in contrast
, investing more time with family
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
Correct article usage
the
show examples
Younger period plays a key role. It means,
when
Correct word choice
that when
show examples
 a baby plays with family members and
pass
Correct subject-verb agreement
passes
show examples
Time with them,
this
 automatically gives them
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of strong bondage. He learns
Manner
Fix the agreement mistake
Manners
show examples
 and behaviours which offer him
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
practical affection
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 family and enhance love
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
His total ancestry.
Moreover
. Whatever is taught at
younger
Correct article usage
a younger
show examples
 period,
these
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 set precisely in
Correct article usage
the
show examples
Brain and
this
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
show examples
children
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
mature
Correct pronoun usage
their mature
show examples
 lives.
UK
Correct article usage
The UK
show examples
 is a prime example where
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
Under
Change preposition
Of
show examples
 18 Youngers are not taken care
Change preposition
of from
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 family nicely and almost 50%
older
Change preposition
of older
show examples
 parents do
Not
Fix capitalization
not
show examples
 get support from their offspring, but live from government support.
To conclude
, in spite of having numerous
controversy
Fix the agreement mistake
controversies
show examples
, it seems to me that
children
 should Stay home until they are 7/8 years old because it helps
improving
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
 their fundamental Schooling and develops the brotherhood in a family.
Submitted by kaynat.rk.kr on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: