IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

The advertisement promoting toys on television should be completely banned. How far you agree or disagree?

#advertisement #toys #television
Advertisement plays
part
Correct article usage
a part
show examples
 and parcel role in human life from where people know
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
show examples
 things. Nowadays, especially
advertise
Change the form of the verb
advertising
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 targeting
children
 and their adverts that frequently promote
toys
 on TV and they are considered
vulnerable
Add an article
a vulnerable
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 target by companies. I agree with the statement yet some
conservative
Fix the agreement mistake
conservatives
show examples
 swing in the opposite direction. I will elaborate
my
Change preposition
on my
show examples
 opinion in the upcoming paragraphs. To embark upon, there are numerous
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reasons why
toys
 should
forbid
Wrong verb form
be forbidden
show examples
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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television. First and foremost,
children
 are obsessed with
toys
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
young
Correct article usage
a young
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 age and whenever they see these kinds of
commercial
Fix the agreement mistake
commercials
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
toys
 of their
superhero
Fix the agreement mistake
superheroes
show examples
for instance
 Doreman, Batman and Barbie
Rephrase
apply
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then
 they pester their parents to buy those things
as well as
this
 can upset the budget of their families.
However
,
children
, undertaken
a
Change preposition
at a
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certain age, lack
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
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 to make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wise
judgement
Replace the word
judgments
show examples
 as they do not know what they really want.
Moreover
, commercials are
also
 responsible for many
behaviour
Replace the word
behavioural
show examples
 problems and lifestyle issues of today’s
children
.
For example
, playing violent electronic games promoted by advertising firms all day
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 some
children
 bad-tempered. All these problems would pose a threat to
children
’s health
as well as
 growth.
On the other hand
, childhood is the only age to play with
toys
. They play a vital role in the physical and mental development of kids.
Furthermore
, youngsters become more creative by playing with
toys
 and
learn sharing
Wrong verb form
learning to share
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 things with others and with the help of broadcast folks know about what
toys
 are available in the market. In the epilogue, I think that though
children
 become demanding to see the adverts of
toys
,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
a ban on the ad is not a reasonable solution. It is the responsibility of
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parents to teach their young ones not to be influenced by commercials.

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Task Response
Improve task response by fully addressing all parts of the question. Present a clear opinion and provide a balanced argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by structuring the essay more logically. Use clear topic sentences, provide supporting details, and ensure a smooth flow of ideas from one paragraph to the next.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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