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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries
The following chart demonstrates differences in the population rate among elderly
people
Use synonyms
 from 65 and over since 1940 and there is
also
Linking Words
 given a predictable rise until 2040 in the
USA
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,
Sweden
Use synonyms
 and
Japan
Use synonyms
. It is clear from the graph that the number of old aged
people
Use synonyms
 in all three countries is expected to have an upward trend. Now turning to the details,
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
 20 years saw a gradual rise in the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 in the
USA
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 and
Sweden
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 as opposed to a gradual decrease
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 almost 2% in
Japan
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.
According to
Linking Words
 the graph, we can see that there was a significant increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 old aged
people
Use synonyms
 by just over 5% in the
USA
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 and
Sweden
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 between 1960 and 1980,
while
Linking Words
 the percentage of old
Japaneses
Correct your spelling
Japanese
 stayed constant and remained at 3%. Before a steady growth at 14%, almost until 2018, the proportion of American elderly
people
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 decreased slightly by 2% in 1995. The old
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
 population rate in
Japan
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,
in
Linking Words
contrast
Add the comma(s)
,contrast
show examples
 rose by 2% in 2000,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reaching the same level as in 1940. It is interesting that since 2000 the amount of old
people
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 in
Japan
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 has increased moderately and 2030 is predicted to see
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
dramatic growth and will peak at 25%.
Linking Words
Next
Correct article usage
The next
show examples
 20 years in the
USA
Use synonyms
 are expected to see a gradual rise in
scale
Add an article
the scale
show examples
 of old
people
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, which will reach almost 23%,
while
Linking Words
 before a gradual growth in 2025, the old
people
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 scale in
Sweden
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 will decrease slightly by approximately 5%.
Overall
Linking Words
, in the future is predicted that
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
longevity among elderly
people
Use synonyms
 will increase in the
USA
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,
Sweden
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 and
Japan
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.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, usa, sweden, japan with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradual" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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