IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Childhood obesity is becoming a problem throughout the developed world. Because of this, some people think that adverts for fast food, sweets and sugary snacks should not be allowed in school and college. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this

#childhood #obesity #world #people #adverts #food #sweets #snacks #school #college
Globalization process have positive and negative sights. One if the drawback is
obeseness
a commercial or industrial enterprise and the people who constitute it
business
 among children, which is increasing in the developed country. Some people think, that promotion for junky food, desserts and sugar items need to prohibit in educational establishments like schools and colleges. I agree with
this
 statement and in
this
 essay, I will explain some reasons and effects.
Firstly
, according
World Health Organization
Suggestion
the World Health Organization
 (WHO) the number of obese children and adolescents (aged 5 to 19 years) worldwide has risen tenfold in the past four decades.
This
 negative tendency are result from leading
unhealthy lifestyle
Suggestion
an unhealthy lifestyle
 as parents so children. What I mean here is that consumption junky foods, candies and
sugars
Suggestion
sugar
 snacks, which kids and students can
easy
Suggestion
easily
 buy at the school or college. In
this
 occasion advertisement stimulates and encourages
children desire
Suggestion
a child's desire
child's desire
the child's desire
 to consume unhealthy food. Because, advertisement triggers young generation with attractive,
colorful
having striking color
colourful
 pictures and video.
Moreover
, at the school or college children are not under
parent’s control
Suggestion
a parent’s control
the parent’s control
,
consequently
 they are easily accessible from vending machine and cafeteria in school and college.
On the other hand
, banning adverts for unhealthy food is not the main solution. It will be more effective when parents and children will educate themselves about the health problems like obesity, diabetes, hypertension and cancer. In most cases,
parent
Suggestion
the parent
a parent
do not need
Suggestion
does not need
 to educate their
child
Suggestion
children
, parents should to show with themselves examples and to be
role model
Suggestion
the role model
a role model
role models
 of healthy person for children. To sum up, it is evident that childhood overweight is
serious question
Suggestion
a serious question
 in worldwide. We know a several causes and variety negative effects of obesity. Nowadays, people need simple to combat with
this
 problem.
Submitted by abdrakhmanova.assel16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: