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Writing Samples
Band 4

the chart below indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US

the chart below indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US
The given bar chart demonstrates
a
Correct article usage
apply
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data about how many people have attacks of heart in the US each year. At the first glance,
it is clear that
Linking Words
,
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the
Correct article usage
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men
Use synonyms
 are more dominant than women with
this
Linking Words
 illness. And most of the patients
who
Change the pronoun
whom
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Add an article
the victim
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victim
Fix the agreement mistake
victims
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 of
this
Linking Words
 disease include people
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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over
Add a missing verb
are over
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65years
Correct your spelling
65 years
olds
Correct your spelling
old
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.
Initially
Linking Words
,we can see that
,
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this
Linking Words
 illness appears in a few adults only. The
Use synonyms
men's
Change noun form
men
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 quantity between 29 and 44ages oppressed
from
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by
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 these attacks include 123
thousand
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 the women who
in
Add a missing verb
are in
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 these ages involve 3
thousand
Use synonyms
 only. So
this
Linking Words
 disaster
more
Add a missing verb
has more
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 effects
to
Change preposition
on
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men
Use synonyms
 than women.
This
Linking Words
 year, most of
residents
Add an article
the residents
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 of
US
Correct article usage
the US
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who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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from
Add a missing verb
are from
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45to
Correct your spelling
45 to
 64 suffered from that more than younger ones.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the retired male
include
Change the verb form
includes
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 424
thousand
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. Meanwhile, the account of females is small else, and they involve 136
thousand
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
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patients who prey to heart attacks. The figure
of
Change preposition
for
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 the
next
Linking Words
 type of residents who
over
Add a missing verb
are over
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than
Change preposition
apply
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65 is the pick point of the graph. The 440
thousand
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
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men
Use synonyms
 getting sick.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the females' quantity jumped up in these ages, and they involve 574
thousand
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, thousand with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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