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Band 4

the chart below indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US

the chart below indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US
#people #heart #attacks #year
The given bar chart demonstrates
a
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data about how many people have attacks of heart in the US each year. At the first glance,
it is clear that
,
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the
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men
 are more dominant than women with
this
 illness. And most of the patients
who
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whom
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Add an article
the victim
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victim
Fix the agreement mistake
victims
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 of
this
 disease include people
who
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apply
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over
Add a missing verb
are over
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65years
Correct your spelling
65 years
olds
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old
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.
Initially
,we can see that
,
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this
 illness appears in a few adults only. The
men's
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men
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 quantity between 29 and 44ages oppressed
from
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by
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 these attacks include 123
thousand
.
While
 the women who
in
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are in
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 these ages involve 3
thousand
 only. So
this
 disaster
more
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has more
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 effects
to
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on
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men
 than women.
This
 year, most of
residents
Add an article
the residents
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 of
US
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the US
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who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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from
Add a missing verb
are from
show examples
45to
Correct your spelling
45 to
 64 suffered from that more than younger ones.
Additionally
, the retired male
include
Change the verb form
includes
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 424
thousand
. Meanwhile, the account of females is small else, and they involve 136
thousand
of
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apply
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patients who prey to heart attacks. The figure
of
Change preposition
for
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 the
next
 type of residents who
over
Add a missing verb
are over
show examples
than
Change preposition
apply
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65 is the pick point of the graph. The 440
thousand
of
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apply
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men
 getting sick.
Furthermore
, the females' quantity jumped up in these ages, and they involve 574
thousand
.
Submitted by jamolkh2002 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, thousand with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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