IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is argued that establishing the same retirement
age
Use synonyms
 for every worker without considering the nature of his job is unfair.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees with the fact that people who have harsh
labours
Fix the agreement mistake
labour
show examples
 should retire earlier and aims to showcase the types of employees who should benefit from it. It is conspicuous that citizens who
work
Use synonyms
 many hours per day in factories have more tyring tasks to do than employees in offices.
This
Linking Words
 is because jobs are definitely not the same and the effort made to achieve goals varies regarding sectors. Indeed, the industrial sector features workmen who
work
Use synonyms
 longer hours than officials and managers.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they accomplish physical tasks which involve higher concentration and a more important body condition than people who
work
Use synonyms
 in offices.
For instance
Linking Words
, employees who labour in fossil fuels factories must accomplish 12 hours of
work
Use synonyms
 minimum per day, very often in a rough environment, in order to reach the firm's goals.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many others claim that it would be unfair to allow those workers
retirement
Wrong verb form
to retire
show examples
 at an early
age
Use synonyms
 because they consider that everybody contributes to the development of our society.
However
Linking Words
, those forget that a lot of jobs involve health issues which make people unable to labour at a certain
age
Use synonyms
. In fact, workers in the building industry or in fossil
fuels
Change the noun form
fuel
show examples
 factories are exposed to several illnesses.In
this
Linking Words
 regard, they are confronted
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 chemical products which may be detrimental to their health.
For example
Linking Words
, many workmen get pulmonary diseases because they are exposed for many years to harmful products and,
this
Linking Words
 is ineluctably why they should retire earlier. In conclusion, it is crystal clear that establishing the same retirement
age
Use synonyms
 for everybody is unfair because of the fact that workers are not equal. Even if some jobs are definitely more demanding than others, decision-makers deny it.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure a more balanced view by acknowledging opposing perspectives with a bit more depth and providing stronger refutations or counter-arguments.
coherence cohesion
Enhance cohesion by using a variety of cohesive devices and linking phrases to improve the flow of ideas between paragraphs and within them.
task achievement
The introduction clearly presents the writer’s stance and offers an outline of the essay's direction.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph logically follows from the previous one and connects with the overall central argument smoothly.
task achievement
Good use of specific examples, such as workers in fossil fuel factories, adds depth and clarity to the arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: