IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20 % in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects

#percentage #children #society #years #effects
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Over the
last
Linking Words
 ten years,
western
a film about life in the western United States during the period of exploration and development
Western
 society has experienced an approximate increase of 20% in the population of overweight children.
This
Linking Words
 essay will
further
Linking Words
 discuss the causes of
this
Linking Words
 negative trend along with the possible effects. There are multiple factors behind the excessive weight gain of the children in the past decade.
First
Linking Words
 and foremost is the increased consumption of fast
food
Use synonyms
.
Accept space
.
This
Linking Words
 is because nowadays fast
food
Use synonyms
 joints are just a few steps away from their residence.
Moreover
Linking Words
, junk
food
Use synonyms
 is now available at nominal
prices which
Accept comma addition
prices, which
 the children can afford out of their pocket money. Owing to
this
Linking Words
, most of the children suffer from obesity and severe health problems due to the extreme cholesterol level in the street
food
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, in the survey conducted by the “World Health Organization” in 2019, 70% of the children had asthma problem due to the increased intake of oily
food
Use synonyms
. Another cause that can be attributed to the increase in the percentage of obese children in the
last
Linking Words
 ten years is their diminished participation in the physical activities in the school or during their leisure time. The reason for
this
Linking Words
 might be the immense pressure
by
Suggestion
from
 their parents the immense pressure exerted by the parents on the children to outperform their peers in academics. Unfortunately,
this
Linking Words
 not only has detrimental effects on their
health but
Accept comma addition
health, but
also
Linking Words
 restricts their
personality
Suggestion
personal
growth which
Accept comma addition
growth, which
 they could experience after engaging in various sports or group activities. To conclude from the aforementioned points, it is clear that wider consumption of junk
food
Use synonyms
 and reduced participation in the sports can be the primary causes of the 20% increase in the number of overweight children and
this
Linking Words
 development has negative consequences like serious health problems and limited personality growth which cannot be neglected
Submitted by shokhrukh95 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: