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Band 4

In some countries, children under 16 are not allowed to leave school by law and get full time work. Is this a good or bad thing?

#countries #children #school #law #time #work
Most of the nation gives priority to the schooling of the youngsters,
therefore
, they prohibit the habit of the young populace to leave the educational institutions for the sake
to attain
Change preposition
of attaining
show examples
 full-hour
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, which may lead them towards adverse consequences.
Thus
, I am in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
favour of
this
 move and
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 reveal my opinions in the following paragraphs
along with
 the conclusion.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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preliminary schooling is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 crucial factor to consider, as
this
 is an excellent remedy for the mental growth of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adolescents.
For example
, these are the primary educational institutions, which play a significant role
to mend
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in mending
show examples
 the future of the youth, because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young people learn plenty of
soft-skills
Correct your spelling
soft skills
show examples
along with
the
Change the word
their
show examples
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
. These
soft-skills
Correct your spelling
soft skills
show examples
 comprise good etiquette,
communication-skills
Correct your spelling
communication skills
show examples
, confidence, handing themselves in adverse conditions,
obedient
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obedience
show examples
,
good-habits
Correct your spelling
good habits
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,
leaderships-skills
Correct your spelling
leadership skills
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, coordination, teamwork, et Cetra.
Therefore
,
this
 is an adequate notion to prevent
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters
to avoid
Change preposition
from avoiding
show examples
 primary study to obtain
full-hours
Correct your spelling
full-time
show examples
 employment.
Secondly
, it is a common saying that health is better than wealth.
Thus
, preliminary education institutes offer
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy youth to the nations, as the teaching centres not only mend the future of the youngsters
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 contribute
in
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to
show examples
 their physical development.
For example
, almost in every teaching centre, there is an opportunity to
take
Verb problem
apply
show examples
participation
Replace the word
participate
show examples
 in distinct indoor and outdoor sports and the excellent performance of the students in
such
 games fosters them to play at zonal, college, city, state, national and international
level
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levels
show examples
. Saina Nehwal is a perfect example,
who
Correct pronoun usage
they
she
he
show examples
 started her badminton career at the school level and now she is an international player
along with
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apply
show examples
keeping herself fit and fine physically.
Consequently
, it is not an expedient thought to allow
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers to avoid education, in order to attain a job for full-hours. In the end, it is apparent from the above paragraphs that strongly support the notion of attending all the classes or lectures at the educational centres by eliminating the job time legally, as these spots are essential for their physical and mental progress, in order to make them good citizen and contribute to the economic growth of the domestic.
Submitted by jatinderpanaich328 on

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task response
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. The points made in the essay need to be more focused and supported with relevant examples. The structure of the essay is not logical, leading to incoherence.
coherence cohesion
The essay needs a clearer and more organized structure. The ideas are not well connected, and the essay lacks a coherent flow of information. Transition words and cohesive devices should be used to improve the cohesion and coherence of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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